By Kev (kev@tnw.org)
Date: 22 July 1997

I Remember

I remember

Looking at you when I knew you weren't looking

Ready to look all fascinated by the paperwork I had to do

Or to twirl my keys and whistle like I had no cares in the world

But I would see you

And watch you smile, laugh

And show genuine kindness even to those you'd likely never see again.



I remember

Thinking "What if...?" (there's a dangerous one)

And saying "Sure, sounds good" when you asked me to share your lunch break

Probably grinning like a schoolboy

Knowing nothing about love

And thinking, "Maybe? Maybe not."



I remember

The time I first thought I might fancy you

And the time I first thought I might really come to love you

And when I finally knew I did (I'm sometimes slow, you know)

The first time I got a tickle - and the first time I gave

The first time we hugged without being all cautious

The first time you curled up some amazing way and managed to

Slip into sleep with your head on my chest,

Your sleepy breathing bringing me a rare moment of calm.



I remember

When we danced first, saying little, thinking much

When I first thought I would say (long after I first wanted to)

"Why aren't we getting together?"

And saying "You're my very best friend"

Cursing a writer's lack of words when there was no paper around

Thinking myself a master of the understatement

Still holding you tight, hoping you'd hear the words I didn't speak.



I remember

When it did finally get said, somehow

And being amazed that you had even spent a moment on the thought

Trying to sleep that night being all squirmy inside

Maybe like a little boy a wake up away from a holiday or parade - 

The first time we kissed, and danced away from it as fast as we could

The first time we kissed when we dared to linger a little

Loving you hopelessly and recklessly the whole while.



I remember

The first night I stayed past two

Then three, then five,

And the first night I spent on the floor by your bed

Wanting you to sleep first, wanting me to wake first

Wanting to miss nothing of the magical little event

And the first night I wanted to stay in your bed, and you set me up on the floor not expecting,

And the next night when it happened and it seemed accidental - 

My first night just holding you, nothing more needed,

Nothing better in all the world.



I remember

Taking our own "sweet time"

Letting it all get deeper

Somehow allowing your heart's little hand to reach in and touch my own,

Then grasp it, then hold it

Never wasting a thought on escape routes or protection plans - 

Trusting maybe even foolishly - 

But you were always gentle, I could even say merciful,

And never once betrayed.



I remember

Growing together, discovering

Being so close to you

Loving your heart, then your hand, your face

The shimmeries in your hair and the sparklies in your eyes

The softness and scent of the nape of your neck

The warmth, beauty, tenderness of a few sacred places

Never seeking a thrill but wanting to say with my hands like my lips,

"I love you, you are beautiful," and

"I want you, I will still want you in the morning."



I remember

Months later

When we could defy the date no more

When we said goodbye

And you left for home - 

The whole scene as imagined, standing at the curb

Looking out until your car blended with traffic blocks away

Aware that I am crying and there are people everywhere to enjoy it

As you drive off into the life that you will have, and I stand there 

Grasping my own for balance,

Knowing that we'll talk again soon, meet again later

But challenging God that such a thing could ever happen

To us, to something so perfect.



It's been a while now, life goes on.

I still think of you every minute and see something of you at every turn.

I know that things come to an end - that's why some clever fellow

Invented the "." instead of just a "," or a ";" - 

And I am sad that we can't stay together, that I can't hold you whenever,

That soon I can't even call you on a moment's notice...

Frankly, that you will never wear my ring.

But the memories have their own meat for a while, hopefully forever.

And they were joyful times, all of them.



I said it to you before we even knew each other or cared:

I remember the important things.