By Jessica    jwesika@hotmail.com
Date: 16 March 1998

"Good-Bye"

I thought it would be hard, to say that final good-bye.  It was, but it wasn't 
so bad.  I can still feel his arms lingering in that tight hug he gave me just
 before he left.  He didn't want to let go.  It was almost as if letting go 
would mean that he had now officially lost everything he'd ever loved, and he 
didn't want to bear with that thought.  I never realized until thinking about it
 just now, that I was just about all he had left in the world.  Both of his 
parents are dead and he's stuck living with his dead-beat uncle and aunt who 
already have five kids of their own to worry about and have no time at all for 
him.  No one had loved him but me, and he loved no one but me.  We spent day and
 night together- alone in our secret spot.  It was so nice to just sit there in
 complete silence, knowing what the other was thinking the whole time and yet 
not saying a single word.  From time to time, we would even fall asleep holding
 each other, after being exhausted from the day's activities.  I loved him so 
much.  I still do, and I know I always will.
Sure we still keep in touch- letters everyday, hours on end just talking to him.
 It's just so much different knowing he's not going to be physically here when 
I need that hug today, or that when I go to that secret spot of ours, he just 
won't be there.  I hate him for leaving, but I love him just the same.
It's hard to walk around at school without my hand in his.  Knowing that he's 
not coming back only makes it worse.  My best friend, Jennifer-she tries to 
comfort me, telling me I'll find someone else, but it just never works.  I don't
 want someone else, I want Steven.
I can remember the day when he found out his parents had been killed, while on 
the way home from their vacation, in a fatal car accident.  When he found out 
his parents were dead, he broke down.  He didn't come to school, he didn't eat 
or drink anything, he didn't even leave the house for three weeks.  He was so 
devastated.  To make it worse, the other drive, the one that killed them, he 
lived.  He was convicted and sent to jail for life for killing them while 
driving drunk; but that didn't seem to be enough to satisfy Steven, after all, 
the man killed his mom and dad.  Steven was never quite happy after that, and 
he would not again be happy for some time to come- until we became more than 
just good friends.
I never saw him smile, not once, until we got involved with one another.  He 
would smile when he saw me across campus, in the parking lot or the hall, or in
 class.  He always had so much anger deep down inside for that guy, I knew he 
wanted revenge on him, and if he had ever had the chance, I'm sure he would 
have.  At the same time, I know he could have never done anything to that man. 
He would rather have his parents alive, sure, but he wasn't the kind of person 
who would hurt anyone for any reason.
I guess that day, when he found out about his parents, that's when we started 
getting to be more than just being friends.  We got so much closer, even after 
that; I loved being able to always be there for him when he needed someone to 
talk to, or just someone to hold him and let him cry.  It was such a great 
feeling to love him and know he loved me, and yet, neither ever had to tell the
 other- it went unsaid the entire time.  The first time we said, "I love you" 
to each other was the day he left.
I remember the day we found our secret spot.  We were ten years old.  Wow, that
 was seven years ago. To think that I could love the same person for twelve 
years (we met in kindergarten when we were five), most of the time without even
 knowing it, and never stop.  That day is so clear in my mind.  It's almost as 
if it just happened today.  We were walking through the grove of trees in the 
park on our way home from school.  I was teasing him and he was teasing me, the
 normal thing for ten year olds to be doing on a beautiful warm spring day.  We
 were just walking, weaving a path through the tall oak and maple trees, and as
 we looked up at the almost invisible blue sky, we were both amazed at what we 
saw.  All of the branches of the trees intertwined in one spot, forming a 
platform almost.  And on top of that platform was a treehouse that wasn't quite
 finished.  We ran around looking for a way up, and when we found it, we 
scurried up as quickly as we could, almost as if a bear had been chasing us!  
We giggled and laughed for such a long time as we tried to catch our breath 
once we reached the platform.  No one else knew about our secret spot- no one 
else even walked through the grove.  We'd go there everyday as soon as school 
got out, just me and Steven.
Our other friends all used to tease us because we were always together, no 
matter what happened.  I guess their teasing only brought us closer together. 
 I saw Steven through problems with a countless number of girls, family problems
- which he had only after his parents died, and social problems- the same as I 
would have done for any friend, except Steven was always different.  He was 
special.  Of course, he also say me through every guy problem and ever other 
problem I ever had as long as we were together.  He still helps me now, of 
course, it's just not the same when he's not physically here for me.
Our secret spot was a place for us to get away from everyone and everything and
 just be with each other.  Of course, once we got older, the secret spot was 
too feeble to hold the weight of two teenagers!  So we set out to find a new one
. This time, it was at the beach.  We lived only about ten minutes by foot from
 the beach, so it was an obvious get away for us.  Besides, it wasn't much to 
just walk or ride our bikes there.  Later, we got to drive, which got us there 
in a third of the time, but Steven left soon after we had been old enough to 
finally drive.
The beach was not as good as our original secret spot, but still, no one ever 
came to our new spot besides us.  I don't think anyone even knew about this 
little cove we had discovered.  It was just big enough for the two of us to 
move around in comfortably.  It was hidden among the large piles of rock and 
boulders along the shore- you know, the ones that have been there for as long 
as the world remembers.  It was so cozy.  We had blankets and pillows and even 
a small radio in our new secret spot.  It soon became our second home!
Steven and I had our first kiss in our "new" secret spot.  It was not long 
after we had turned fifteen that we started getting involved.  We both knew we 
had always loved each other since we were five.  For all we knew, we were 
destined to be together, and this was just our fate acting upon us.  I guess 
we were too, destined to be together that is, but Steven had to leave just 
after we turned seventeen and right after we finally graduated from high school.
From the moment of that first kiss until he left, we spent every second of 
every day together (not that we didn't before)- we even spent the night at each
 other's houses every night.  My parents and his aunt and uncle- they never 
even suspected that we were going out.  I think that was because we were so 
close anyway.  We were always together, so nothing ever surprised them, even 
when we finally did tell them that we were serious about each other.
I still haven't recovered since Steven left me.  I know people come in and out 
of our lives all the time, but Steven was more special than anyone I have ever 
or will ever know.  I can't get over the last words that we said to each other 
in person were "I love you,"  I guess we just saved those words for the most 
special time we possibly could, that way they kept their meaning.  If you say 
them too much they do- lose their meaning that is.
Well, I haven't recovered from that last moment that we spent together either.
 The doctors had said it was time for me to say good-bye.  I never said the 
words "good-bye."  I only kissed him softly on the lips and said "I love you."  He said, "You will always know, from this moment on, how much I truly love you with all of my heart.  I love you," and then, he died.  His heart stopped beating and he died.
That madman killed him.  He was driving drunk and the car spun out of control.  The doctors said there was nothing they could do to make him live and longer, that I should go to him and say good-bye...