By Misti Velvet Rainwater
Date: 23 November 1998

resigned

crying to Jesus
  as I drive
 to you, again
  guilty
  ashamed
  lost
  afraid
I am a woman
  and I have made
 my choices
I am a girl
  and it's me
 against the world

I am terribly alone
and without so much
I choke on the tears
please God please
please Jesus
please Abba
please Father
  of Lights
don't let me
   cry
not now
I can't ruin
my make-up
he likes it flawless
he hates complications
I show emotion and he
says I'm crazy
what kind of crazy?
bipolar?
schizophrenic?
clinically depressed?
maybe all of the above

She wasn't like that, he tells me
She had a sense of humor
she was a healthy girl
she had two abortions and got on with her life

my excess bothers him, see
there's too much of me
    to love
I can't just be the sexual maniac in love with him
I must also be
a soul
a daughter
a mother
a sister
an open wound
a corpse

he wants to play Pretend
we're High School Sweethearts
he's on the football team
and I'm head cheerleader
no, he's Bud
and I'm Sissy
no, he's Bud
and I'm Pam
that is-wait
I'm confused
God, I am
so confused
but I am
used to this
by now
and I know
that this is as good
as it's ever
gonna get