By The Guppy
Date: 3 July 1999

peanuts

"man, do you know where i can get some peanuts???"
such a question can change a person's life
due to volume, intoxication, over analyzation, or just plain lack of good hearing
outright harmless
a search for legumes
inside complications on a response
i'm convinced of two things in this world right now
1) every guy is a seventh grade hormone structured and harmonized to fit into moral standards
2) every girl knows this
what do you do?
guys---look into her eyes...smile, laugh,...ask politely "salted or unsalted?"
laugh
tell her she should really check into pistachios
offer to buy her a bag of corn nuts...the nearest substitute
buy her a clone of her favorite beverage...the one she most likely has already been consuming
buy yourself a clone of your favorite beverage
compare favorite beverages
compare life experiences
compare preferences
decide whether the look she is giving you is because you are insane, or just because she thinks you are
tell her you hate peanuts
wait for a reaction
react to that
tell her how much you would love to dance with her best friend
await a reaction
as she's walking away, ask her to dance
dance
just take it from there
girls---don't ever ask a guy where you can get peanuts
unless you fully understand your effects