By scared
Date: 27 October 1999

What I missed was you...

I don't think I can do this. I don't think I can go on being just friends with you.
 I don't want to lose you as a friend. I want you as a lover. I can't control these
 feelings, they are controlling me. I wish I could just go back to not feeling
 anything for you, for anyone, like before you came to visit me. I thought it would 
be all right to spend a weekend with you as just friends. Now all I wish is that I
 could do it over and get it right this time. I don't know. All I know is that I felt a lot 
of tension. Maybe just in my head. Did you feel it? I felt strained. I have never felt 
that way with you before. I didn't know what to expect of you, from you. I didn't 
know how to act towards you, with you. You felt so cold and distant, yet I never 
laid a finger on you. Your eyes would not connect, no matter how hard I tried. It 
seemed as if you were afraid of me. Were you afraid of me? Were you afraid to 
connect with me? Am I just imagining this? Tell me I was just imagining it and I 
will let it drop, but you have to convince the others too. They saw it. You kept 
your distance, almost ignored me, until you couldn't, and then you were casual, 
oh so casual. We were so much more than that. I know it and you know it. What 
the hell has happened to us? We used to be so carefree. Things like this would 
have never been anywhere close to my mind before. Is it just the curse of time 
that had torn us apart? We used to be so close, even though we were so far 
apart. So how do I cope with this? What do I do with all of these feelings I have 
kept buried so deep for so long? I don't need to be anything more than just 
friends if that is all we can be, but I feel that there is so much more there. I don't 
know what to think or do or say anymore. I want to tell you all this to clear it out of 
my mind and get it out in the open, but then you will think I am some kind of 
psycho stalker type that cant let go. I need to let go. I don't want to let go. I need 
to say goodbye, but I want to start all over again. I don't want to tell you all this, 
but I need to let it out. I want to tell you that I love you so very much, even after 
all this time, but it will only push you away, but if I don't tell you then it means 
nothing and I mean nothing and the world is just a big nothing. I don't know, is it 
healthy to feel this way, to feel this confused after this long? What do you say to 
someone who doesn't seem to care? How do you tell them how you feel when 
you think it is exactly what they don't want to hear and will only drive them further 
away from your heart? How do you stay true to yourself and hold it all in at the 
same time? We don't really have anything now, not even a real friendship, so 
what is at risk? Nothing, but everything. My heart. Your friendship, your love. I 
want to be near you. I want to open doors for you and hold your hand and send 
you letters and cards and all that stuff. I want to be in love with you again and 
feel all those feelings again. I want to spend weekends with you and drive all 
night just to sleep with you for a couple of hours before turning around to make it 
back before class the next morning. I want to earn you love and your trust and I 
want to be your partner for the rest of your life. I want to make you happy and
 hold you when you are sad. I want to make you dinner. I want to annoy you in 
that way that you miss the annoying little things when the other person is gone. I 
want to make a mess with my hobbies and see the look on your face when you 
come home and find it. I want to love you from here to eternity and never look 
back and wonder what I missed cause I already did that and what I missed was 
you.