By JustL
Date: 7 October 1999

UGH!

I’ll start in the middle and work myself around as I am unraveling anyway 
and who knows where the thread came loose I was just saying and believing 
as I lunched with E yesterday how happy and normal life is settled just 
the way I’ve always wanted  it Yet I feel today at a deep level unsettled 
Is this how wait this is what I imagine all long-time partnered couples feel 
just before they recognize that  itch for change or excitement While the 
relationship could still be salvaged improved even because there is so much 
love there here and communication is open and yet there is some link to intimacy 
missing at this moment But if this was a movie you could tell by our faces and 
tone that we want each other more than anything even though we are both quietly 
hurting and lost for words or the right key and sometimes act like five year olds
and did I mention I started my period today and you looked so blue and said you 
were bored after school so I planned to take you out on a date to get you out of 
the house cheer you up and perhaps seduce you but I hated to forsake my daughter 
tonight so we went to the movies and to dinner instead of a beer like you 
probably needed and then as we walked through the theatre I was held your hand 
and gazed adoringly thinking how truly attractive you are and how I should NO 
want to make love to you when we get home cuz I think you’ve been under too 
much pressure and simply need the luxury of me loving you when you said to me 
why are you looking at me are you disgusted with my performance I pondered with 
what school sex now And as no not at all left my lips you interupted with 
Well I am And how I wish I was not handwriting in my journal because my hand 
is cramping and cannot capture the texture of my thoughts as fast as they fall 
onto a keyboard The movie was fine dinner was tense and now I’m in bed 
you doing homework elsewher e in the house wishing I’d had gone shopping 
rather than spend $82.50 trying to romance you when probably and most likely 
all you needed was a hug a kind word and that beer.