By Michael
Date: 13 May 2000

Words - For Evangeline

For you Evangeline
I will post the rest of my works under a name you do not know
because I do not want to hurt you
because I do not want you to be even more addicted to nicotine
because I want you to be happy
and healthy
and whole
with him

and I hate to keep lying
when I say goodbye

And if it explains anything
to so many I am superman
or mild mannered clark kent
but you are my kryptonite

And I was never crazy
Until I understood
that I would have to hang up on you
a year after I had spent 3 weeks at summer camp
falling in love with Rhiannon
forgetting you
Which you froze
with a phone call
and I never told you about
as far as I can remember

My poor engine
downshifted to first
then you redlined it
and everything was out of whack
until I realized
I needed a tuneup

And I am not crazy
for anyone or anything
because for everyone else 
I would do the things I did for me 
thinking I did for you
I would do more than those things.
And they have done things just as crazy
for me.


Words.

Soon I'll be leaving on a jet plane.
Don't worry darlin
I'm coming back again.

Gonna love my family and 
make it right
And to do all that I'll have to 
Stay up late tonight.

But first I know I gotta tell you
gotta explain it some

Though I made promises
I couldn't keep
Though I failed
to sing you to sleep

I never wanted
to hurt you so bad
I never wanted
to make you so sad

I never wanted
to make you think I was crazy
I never wanted 
to make you think I was stupid

It's simple
I did not know what to do
I could not then want 
to do anything else
but love you.

But I didn't know how to do it right.
And you couldn't tell me.
Or I couldn't understand 
the language you were saying.

I was so stupid
I was so lazy.
I was so tired.
I was so afraid.

I tried to give up my life to find one with you.
I tried to give up family to find one with you.

you were so distant
You were so calm
you were so unreadable
you were so frozen

Like water at absolute zero.

And when we were both in the same room
it took all my energy to keep from reaching out and touching your cold
almost uninvited.
It took all my concentration to keep from trying to hold you and trying to make you smile with a hug
almost uninvited.

I was so awkward.
I was so fragile.
I was so strange.
I was so quiet.

I couldn't tell you what I needed.
I didn't know it myself.
I couldn't tell what you needed.
I was too afraid to ask.

you were so silent
You were so enigmatic
you were so puzzled
you were so worried

What I wanted
More than anything.
Was to wake up with you next to me.
Every day for the rest of my life.

What I wanted
More than anything
was to make you happy.
Every day for the rest of your life.

But.

I was so inept.
I was so deaf.
I was so dumb.
I was so blind.

I couldn't see that I was choking your life.
Because I completely gave up mine.
I couldn't hear what you were saying
Without words.
because I couldn't speak to you anymore.
Because I was so afraid that the next words you would say
would be that you changed your mind.
And that you didn't want to love me anymore.

you were so strange to me
You were so unavailable to me
you were so afraid of touching me
you were so afraid of knowing me.

You seemed like a faucet.
And I felt like a flood.
You seemed like water
and I felt like blood.

I did all the wrong things.
Waited for you to show me the way
When we were both so lost at sea.
waited for you to tell me to touch you
When neither of us knew how to be
together

I did all the wrong things
Tried to show you my darkest secrets
Raise dormant demons to 
demonstrate that I 
was hurt too.
Just like you.
Hoping to find some response
From the void you seemed to be
to me.

And all I was searching for from you.
Was a hug just like that
first hug you hugged me
when you thought
I would be gone 
forever
from your life. 
Because that felt
like love.

But after we had sex
I thought that meant 
that you really did love me
like I wanted you to
Because that's how I loved you.

But it didn't work out.
And when it didn't.
I didn't want to be a shadowboxer.
once your lover, twice your friend.
Such a cunning way to condescend.

You said we were not meant to be.
Some other words that hurt me
But worst of all the hug we said goodbye
Because that felt 
not like love.

And I did not
want to wait again
hoping against hoping against hope
that you would get bored with whoever it was
and try again to make something happen with me

So I hurt you the only way I could.
I ripped off my arm
And clubbed you with it
I hung up on you
and we both lost our sanity for a time.

And when you called me back
Several times later.
I was too busy trying to save myself
to save you.
I think we could have
saved each other
But you had me convinced
you had already saved yourself
and were loving someone else.

And I didn't want to hear about it.
Because I loved you.
And my way of coping
was numbness.
and abstinence.
and doing anything that was not
loving someone.

Even though if i knew then
what I know now
I would have realized that your calls meant
that you still
loved me
Even if you didn't know or want to know you
loved me.

I loved you so much lady.
I still do.
And then I couldn't understand
how it would work to love someone
you couldn't love
with your whole heart.

Now I am older
and somewhat wiser

and I realize that for me
I can only love
with my whole heart
but that my whole heart doesn't run out of love
when I love someone 
with my whole heart

I just have more love
than I thought.
more love
than any one person
could contain.

And I realize that
you still love me
in your way
whatever that way is
because every loving word and every hurtful word
I say
hurts you

And you try
to hurt me back
where if you didn't love me
you would just stay silent
and ignore everything

and it is sado-masochism
to send each other letters
For your love is acid
and my love is fire
some continous negative feedback loop

And without the context
the base and the fire extinguisher
without the apologies
without the guilty looks

we are just two people
that feel something 
between love and hate

And you think
I am the bad guy
and I have not been kind either
having been a person
who loves to shunt blame.
And share pain.

And I thought
you used me
and you were not kind either
though you don't know how you've made me cry.
though I don't know how if I've made you cry.
 
But the truth is
We were never meant to be 
anything more
than two people
that love/loved? each other
somehow
weakly
bitterly
terribly
painfully

Words
Said lovingly
Said hatefully
said quietly
said forcefully

are just
words

And without the actions
to back them up
they are just

words.

And I know you will likely write another poem.
Pissed off at me
or tenderly.
Or both.

Or even worse
To spite me 
or pretend to ignore me.
A poem
Of someone else.
with your name
prominently displayed
and my name
hidden in between the lines

And I know that you hate that I wrote another thing
And I know we both want to have the last word.

but they are just
words.

and I hear that you have someone now.
I hope you aren't lying to me
because I want you to be happy darlin
you happy
is one ingredient
a spice if you will
of the dish 
that makes me
happy.

And i hope it all works out for you.
I'm busy trying to make it work out for me.
And I hope you belive 
I'm not lying to you.
Because all I can offer
that you will take
is truth.

I don't want to hate you back.
I don't want to spite you back.
I don't even want you back.
I never seemed to have you in the first place.
I don't want to wreck you again
I don't want to wreck me again.
I just want you happy.
I just want me happy.

So to do that.
I will love you with silence.

But if you ever need me darlin
I know you wont

You have my number
and you know 
that I can give you more
than just
words.

Not much more.

But neither of us
wants that to happen.
from each other
we are satisfied
with less 
than what we started with.
Not even
words.