By terry
Date: 16 December 2000
I Heard Beth Got a Protection Order Today
I remember the moment as if it happened just yesterday.
It was the kind of crisp fall day that seems to last forever
Where the wind cuts sharply, and causes the blood to rise high in your cheeks
And it was hard to study when my mind kept wandering ahead a few hours
To the bonfire before the homecoming game,
And the dance afterward.
We’d lost three years in a row, but no one seemed to mind back then.
And as I gave up even the pretense of studying for finals,
And left the Student Center, I saw Beth
Sitting all alone in the corner of the quad, no jacket, no sweater,
Wearing a glaring mint green tank top and weeping.
Well, maybe more than weeping, because when I got closer
I could see her body shaking all over, racked with sobs with every breath.
“Beth, are you okay? What’s the matter sweetheart?”
At first I thought she wouldn’t answer; couldn’t answer maybe.
But as I put my arm around her shoulder, she gave in to the human touch.
Turning to put both arms around me and burying her face in my chest.
It only took a moment for me to feel the dampness through my shirt
And without thought, I began to gently stroke her hair, then rub her back and shoulders
Whispering the whole time in her ear,
“It’ll be all right. Go ahead and let it out and we’ll make it better, you can count on me Beth. You will smile again soon, I promise you that.”
And in a few more minutes, the shaking subsided, tears slowing to a trinkle.
And looking up, her eyes searching mine almost to the point of discomfort,
She smiled a bittersweet, achingly sad smile and said those words
The ones that laid waste to a part of my heart as none other had in my twenty two years.
“Why does he do me this way…why does he hit me when he gets mad? And how can he look at me in disgust just because I said no and then turn around
and say that he loves me? Tell me why, how?”
“And why can’t I find someone who will love me with gentleness and kindness like you always do? Tell me Terry, why can’t I find someone just like you to love?”
And rather than give her a real answer I simply pulled her tighter into my arms,
Kissed her on the forehead and said, “You will. Someday you will find someone
Who will love you with an unbridled respect and deep abiding love, fully and completely.”
But at the same time my mind was screaming, “Look at me! I’m right here!”
And when she saw the tear leave the corner of my eye, she got it all wrong.
“Awww... come on Terry, don’t cry for me. I’ll be okay. Especially with friends like you.
You’re like my big brother ya’ know. I love you to death.”
And I guess the look on my face right then revealed more than I meant for it to,
‘Cause she furrowed her brow and looked closer, more intently.
“Are you sure you’re okay, Terry? I really do appreciate the hugs and advice you know. You've made me feel better just like you always do.”
So I laughed it off, smiled real big to make her feel comfortable again in our designated roles
And said goodbye and slowly walked away into the afternoon sunshine.
And wondered again why we all choose as we choose
And why do nice guys seem to always finish last?
And finish alone so damn often,
'Cause they never get the girl in the end?
And even more lonely on the inside,
While so many keep saying they love us?
“You’re just like a big brother to me.”
“Why can’t I find a guy just like you?”
A double edged razor that cuts deep every time.
And now,
Seventeen years later I heard Beth’s name again.
When she obtained a protection order
To keep her second husband away.
She was tired of getting beaten up all the time.
So tired.
And I raised my hand to my chest,
Feeling for a ghostly damp spot I suppose.
I guess I kept my promise that day.
She did smile again,
But we both lost something too.
The opportunity.
If only one of us had the courage to be honest that day.
If only
If only.
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