By Star Of David
Date: 8 April 2001
my mother and my first love
Mama, what were you thinking when you asked me to make the bed, every time one of your lovers came or left?
Did you not think it would tear me apart, to lend an unwilling hand in your infidelity, your betrayal?
I was too young and immature to really understand how much you were hurting me with the things you did... until I fell in love for the first time...
I used to look towards his house after school ma,
Hoping to see him there...so tall and such a smile...
But was I in for a shock...came home one day, and there he was...I thought I was the luckiest person in the world to see him up close...Until I found out why he was there...your latest man. Guess I can always count on you for surprises ma...
He looked shy but obviously interested...can’t blame him ‘cause he wouldn’t have had a chance once you set your sights on him...and you didn’t even love him ‘cause you there was someone else soon after. I never looked at the two of you the same way again ma...it was only then that I began to understand...so I left as soon as I could...left you to live your life and I tried to live mine...
I came to see you ma a few years later...there he was again...looking rugged but so much sexier than before...that may be why you took him back. And you asked me, “do you remember him?” What was I to say? If I said yes, it would have been the same as saying, “oh yes, he’s one of your old lovers, how could I forget?” so I said no and smiled nicely...and you said, “it’s Paul”. I just said, “I’m sorry but I really don’t remember, I’m terrible at faces”
But I still loved him ma...you used to send me to buy flowers or marketing with him, when he was with you the first time...and after it was over between the two of you, he had told one of his friends, “I understand her way of life, but I cant understand why she had to involve her daughter, she’s such a beautiful and innocent girl...I could fall in love with a girl like that” I loved him for those words ma...they echoed in my mind for so long...he could’ve been mine ma, if only he wasn’t yours first...
I still love you ma but now that my life is fully separated from yours, I don’t think I’ll introduce you to anyone I love...for the wounds you inflicted on me as a child still bleed...can you imagine what it’s like to fear that your mother might take your lover away?
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