For me, when the clock strikes twelve on Christmas Eve, and the Ghost of Christmas Past is at my door, what path will he lead me down, what memories will he reveal to me? First I hope he lets me recall the beautiful years. The Christmas when first love was the only decoration I need, it glowed and sparkled as pure and bright and innocent as the Northern Star. He gave me a bottle of the most overpowering perfume I had ever sniffed in my life, but I wore it proudly, along with a silver bracelet that was way too big for me engraved with his name, Eric. I still think of him every yuletide, and wish him well.
Or let the ghost take me back to the Christmas when I married my first husband, and we were young and foolishly impatient to get on with "real life". We said our vows with joy, thinking that we really meant the ancient words we repeated so seriously, and we went home that night and prepared to celebrate our baby daughter's first Christmas.
I want to see again those precious, happy holidays with my small children, rosy cheeks, sleepy in their new footy pajamas, sleepy-eyed and dazzled by the presents we'd spent every last penny of our money on. Chocolate kisses and new toys, lazy hours of coloring with fresh crayons, all of that so far from my reach that it hurts to remember sometimes. I would be content to stay there.
But I will see too, the years when things went bad. The seasons when family members were lost or absent. My first Christmas as a single mother, when the children left with their father for his celebration, and I was all alone. Christmases when my lover was a raging alcoholic who couldn't stay sober long enough to go to mass, and gave me a bottle of Jack Daniels, knowing I don't drink. Or two years ago, when I loved a man who was so violently possessive and paranoid that I was unable to attend my office Christmas party without fear of reprisal, and spent much of the day in tears, ruining the holiday for my family and friends, who feared for my life.
...the ghost of christmas present |
The Ghost of Christmases to Come has always intrigued me the most. The message that no matter how miserable you have been up to now, there is still hope for you is a glorious one. We can change our lives, our paths, we are in control, to some degree, of our destinies. If we hold our loved ones close to us, if we practice compassion and understanding toward even the ones who have hurt us, if we give what we can, when we can, and put good things out into the universe, good things will back to us. There will be years when we lose loved ones, and there may be blue Christmases we spend alone, but there will be beautiful ones spent with lovers, spouses and children, friends and family. If we are very lucky, we will choose well, live and love well, and celebrate many happy holidays to come.
'I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me." --A redeemed and joyful Scrooge.
