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By erin Date: 2001 Nov 11 Comment on this Work [[2001.11.11.15.47.13141]] |
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We were lying on the covers with our heads at the wrong end and he was touching me softly. Whenever I opened my eyes he was looking at me. I was too sleepy to look back though. He had that stupid smile on his face, the one I hate. I almost told him to stop smiling. I felt like being mean. I had my eyes shut and I was contemplating what was happening. It was all just too much. When he touched my face I crinkled my eyes up, like in a bad way. I wanted him to stop. I told him what he was saying was all so pointless since we would never be together. I wanted to tell him to stop talking. He asked if I wanted him to leave. I said no. He asked why I wanted him to stay. I said "this is comfortable." He asked if I could be like this with anyone right then, would it be the same thing? and I said no. He wanted to kiss me and I could tell. It made me want to laugh but I smiled instead. I'm sure he thought I was smiling for the same reason he was. Why do I let myself get into this situation. I don't like being there, yet I always fall into it. And I lay there and he talks and I don't believe a word he says. He says he would kill for me. And he says it with conviction, like he really truly means it. And maybe he does mean it and maybe he doesn't, or maybe he just thinks he does. He said he liked the way I thought. "Congruently". I don't really even know what it means. ("In agreement, corresponding, harmonious.") I don't see the relevance. I fell asleep next to him. He woke me up with his snoring. Or I'm not sure if I really even fell asleep. I got up and went to another bed, an empty one. I woke up there and I opened my eyes and I saw him, making that dumb smiling face. But he wasnt really there. He thinks I left his bed because he was snoring, but really I left because the idea of sleeping next to him was extremely unappealing. I had told him that he has the ability to say one thing and believe himself, and say the opposite and believe it too. He lives in the moment. Believing exactly what he is thinking every moment. He disagreed. He asked if I thought I could do that too. I said yes. For example, yesterday I thought it was a good idea to be like that with you. And today I think it is the worst idea ever. |