our conversation today 
really sparked a nerve
opened that door again
from which my sadness 
poured and my heart feels
broken in half within my chest
I feel the tears
and I'm forcing them back
to not fall from my eyes
to not slide down my cheeks
I'm so scared 
and I feel like you're 
the only one who understands
sometimes, which is odd
we seem to have this connection
that is so unexpected
and somewhat awkward
I still hold back
but sometimes I don't want to
sometimes,
I just want to cry 
and speak all my pain to you
get it all out in the open 
but, I can't 
I just can't bring myself 
to do that with you 
or anyone for some reason
that even I don't understand
so instead, I'll just sit 
with it bottled up
like it has been 
for a year now
which is so unusual for me,
so unlike me
but, I just can't seem to get 
comfortable enough with anyone
to let it all out 
as I should,
as I so desperately 
need and want to
I just want to e-mail you sometimes
and tell you all my pain
but, I can't 
you're family and you'd take it
the wrong way
and misunderstand
and our lives 
wouldn't be the same
I just know it 
I just can't bring myself
to that point