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By aparajita Date: 2003 Dec 14 Comment on this Work [[2003.12.14.22.14.19610]] |
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i saw you the other day and decided to go out to dinner. admittedly, this was part of a long fantasy since we parted ways. since you called a few weeks ago, i have day dreamed and night dreamed about you and the fun times we had. you laughed at my jokes and never once did not compliment me on my cooking. we had a lot of firsts together, you and i. at least for me. funny how time dims some things and others remain so vibrantly clear. i still remember your smell. earth and fireplace smoke. i can not dig in a garden and not think of you. i immediately recognized you the other night when we met because my olfactory nostalgia kicked into overdrive. although, i loved your cologne very much, i prefered your natural state most of all. i remember making love and laughing at ourselves. places and times will remain my secret pleasures to re-live, suffice it to say that you taught me a lot about me and how much fun sex could be instead of the seriousness i thought. always willing to let me explore and learn... unless it involved champagne. that time you hurt my feelings. i remember laughing at growing up and maturing. i learned that growing older was not a life sentence after all. i still fight the gray that you don't seem to mind, but, all in all, i am secure with who and where i am. still, there was never a dull moment with you. i learned to be free with love, laughter and life out in those farm fields on the 3 wheelers with you. i knew you did not love me as much as i loved you. at first, i was willing to be second best if it meant i could just have you in my life. the night you called me her name while we made love was something i never told you. it was abundantly clear in that milisecond moment that i would never have that place in your heart because it was otherwise occupied. you had no room left and no desire to clean that closet. even still, i wanted you so much, i swallowed what pride i had left and kept this hurt to myself. the fact that my baby girl loved you as much as i did and you could not love her in return was one of the biggest reasons we would never make it together. for someone that said they knew me all too well, you never figured this one out. during that phone call, after many years of no contact, i asked you about your family and the friends we knew. in the two and a half hours we talked non stop, not one time did you ask me about her. never gave me a chance to tell you what an incredible young woman she has become. about how she is the most awesome person i know with morals and ethics that blow me away. my baby girl was/is my life. she has been and remains the ONLY constant i have ever had my entire life. the other events with my mom when i truly needed you to stand beside me and not judge my decisions only fueled this fire within that burnt out what i was not willing to accept. as i told you then, i stand by now, love should be versatile. love should be able to stand beside you to comfort and encourage; in front to protect and defend; and, behind to bolster and support. love knows instinctively which to do. the only love you knew was to take and not give when the going got tough. and, how to run out and not be there when i was drowning with doing the right thing and being responsible regardless of how much the past did not warrant my doing so. i gave you up a long time ago. life took several more twists for me in the meantime. bad curves that wiped me completely out. even still, i know now once and for all and absolutely for sure i made the right choice then. and, i don't regret it, not really at all. |