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By aparajita Date: 2003 Dec 26 Comment on this Work [[2003.12.26.19.09.17369]] |
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for many years i would begin a decorating frenzy before Christmas. then, somewhere after "the divorce" i lost my joy with Christmas. that year, i went to jamaica and it was great since it required no efforts on my part whatsoever. once, there were traditions of stuffing stockings with glee, hanging mistletoe, and cider & hot chocolate while decorating the tree with grandma allison, my dad and my little pretty girl. grandma and daddy are gone now and my baby is an adult. yet, i remember these things so fondly. then, boom, the Christmas Spirit was just gone. i have tried to go through the motions each year; but, it was like this zombie creature inhabited my soul and the joy just was not there any longer. this year i got the boxes out, decorated the porch with lites i never lit up, and never even attempted a tree. feeling like a scrooge, there were no decorations in my house except those unpacked boxes, the cards others sent me, and the obligatory Christmas towels in the bath. giving my adult daughter the choice of 'to tree or not to tree' she just said "mom, Christmas is not about a tree really. it is about family and friends and love". gracefully, she let me off the hook and i was so relieved. even my passion for cooking is waning and this scares me most of all since it was all i had left. i feel devoid of emotion tonite. nothing there. except fatigue, but that is more physical than emotional. i want to reclaim what i allowed you to take. i want to zealously recapture the magic and wonder of Christmas. i want to tingle as a child with anticipation waiting for presents. i want to sit in the quiet stillness and marvel at the beauty of the tree with the twinkling lites. i want to once again feel. just feel. i can't believe i allowed you to empty me of this that i held dear and hold me captive for almost 10 years. you moved on immediately to other traditions with your new life so now your memory needs to let me go. Mrs Roosevelt said that no one could make another feel inferior without their consent. well, i no longer consent to this inferior victim state. 10 long hard and fruitless years is long enough. i really hope i am this strong tomorrow, and the day after that, and the next year, and the one after that... |