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By libs0813 Date: 2004 Apr 08 Comment on this Work [[2004.04.08.11.34.31422]] |
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i'm feeling nostalgic, angry and hyped - if you can imagine these emotions contained in a human heart all at the same time. i didn't want to write about it. i didn't even want to discuss about it over coffee which i always do with friends whenever anxiety eats me. i didn't watch my favorite comforting TV shows. instead i channelled the emotions to do something totally different. i took a late afternoon jog right after work. it was invigorating, except that the places looked too familiar and painful to look at. more so than when driving because inside my car i can drive faster or switch radio stations and not let memories sink in. so i run faster. much faster that i reached the nearby chili's restaurant in 15 minutes. hell i burned some calories but more than anything i want to burn the anger that's beginning to grow in me. "so what's the craziest thing you've done lately." the question has been ringing behind my ears since i watched the movie premiere "girl next door". and i remember how i quit the church choir. how i fell for lovely words uttered over coffee at my counter top while air supply sings. how i spent nearly-sleepless nights just to be close and talk to a loved one. how i took risks for lifelong happiness which can never be guaranteed. i know you'd tell me that's not crazy. hell yeah, they are. because the lover who invested less in a relationship has more control. believe it or not, it feels true. it just sucks to realize that only now - how i was spun and let myself be - only when you can no longer do anything about it. but that's not the craziest. after months of no communication, i caught a glimpse of what has been causing me occassional nightmares. a happenstance that made me realize letting go is really a perpetual process. you can't just say hey i've finally moved on. i said that line too many times. feeling inadequate to fulfill a true love, after giving your best, your all, is really really painful. and right now, i miss the comfort of "what-if's". because i have none of that anymore. no more fantasies to give myself some consolation why it didn't work out. no more pillow to cushion the blow. because i already gave my all - and it was never enough. to answer the question, the craziest thing i've done is tonite, i'm praying for you and your happiness. more fervently than ever before. i know i should think more about myself right now. but you know me, i have no energy to harbor anger and hatred. especially towards you. i hope you know how much you still mean to me. |