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By Megs Submitted by Thoughtfull Date: 2004 Dec 20 Comment on this Work [[2004.12.20.20.46.24031]] |
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Turn the inspection inward. Frightening isn't it? To examine my own track record. I wonder-How many boys/men remember me fondly or even think of me at all? I catalog memories with an obsessive compulsive nostalgia, thumbing through the emotional archives often enough to feel as if my heart has truly been out there. Though today...I feel I have been out there too often. Leaving my hopes dangling where they could be caught carelessly by too violent a storm. Heart that has never learned not to leap still jumping up and down when someone casually says what could be the right thing. I wish some of them could have meant less to me. I wish I didn't fall, internally, to pieces at the ones I lost through some fault not yet established. Closure is tricky business. My patterns, my habits, all lie dormant, waiting for blame, waiting to strike again. I need someone more in love with me. I need to know more of what He feels. I need to conquer and slay with killer gazes and calculated gestures. I am fearless in my attempts to keep Him from discovering how weak I can really be. Each one...would probably say..."I loved her almost as intensely as I hated her at times" He may mention her penchant for letters and poems he didn't understand. They never do. So I wonder as I fall again for the One who might have gotten away...will you save me this time from running? From the escape path I always eye nervously? Will you fill me so fully I never look again? |