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By corinna Date: 2006 May 22 Comment on this Work [[2006.05.22.09.53.6135]] |
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Dear Joe, Where do I begin? Well, first I guess I should start by saying that no matter the cruel and hurtful things I say during arguments, no matter how much of a bitch I am when I am frustrated, I truly do care for you and I really do love you. It just gets harder and HARDER to control my emotions. At first, I was a bit apprehensive about starting a relationship with you and venturing down this road again. But after a few weeks the feelings just built up and overwhelmed me and I thought or felt that we should give it another go. Every moment I spent with you made me want even more of you. I had seen a change in you from before and I thought this time we would be able to build a "real" relationship. I thought we'd do things together, grow together, help each other and love each other. But, out of my control, things started going down hill way too soon and way too fast. And as they worsened, I guess I had hoped deep down inside that I would be able to fix them. That I would be "that girl" to tame you. The one you would adore and miss when I'm gone. The one you would talk about to all your friends. I thought that you would care enough to want to stop doing what you're doing and grow and become a better person with me. Of course, we don't always get what we want or need, but I had wished that SO bad. But I guess I wasn't what you wanted or maybe I was too much for you to deal with. I always thought that if you really love someone you are able to cope with their moods, flaws, values, etc. But now I'm sitting here wondering why things got so bad and why we couldn't make it better. Why you didn't WANT to make it better. Why you started doing your shit more often. Why you started to spend less time with me. I'm trying SO HARD not to blame myself and take this so personal. I'm trying to convince myself that you REALLY did love me, but you were just too scared to open up to me...to give yourself to me...to let me love you. But your actions as of late are proving that's not the case. But what you need to know is that if you had just given it a chance, and weren't so afraid of change, you would've seen that I would have NEVER hurt you and I would've tried my BEST to make and keep you happy. We could've found happiness in so many other ways, if only you had let me show you. I really want to be with you. I really care about you, which is why I give you such a hard time about what you are doing to yourself. But I just don't know what to do anymore. Nothing works. You're starting to hate me and I'm starting to wear down to nothing. I know we'll never get back what we had 4 months ago. We had a bond...I felt it. But now I just feel it slipping through my fingers. I was going to try to be so strong today and not call you or answer your calls. But it's a lot harder than I thought. I don't know how you do it. So, I can see by the fact that you are not answering MY phone calls now that you are done. It's very unfortunate that it has to end this way and for these reasons. But I can't make you happy. I don't know what can. I wish I knew. Because if I did I would wrap it up in paper and give it to you as a gift. I'm going to try like hell to leave you alone. Because I don't want you to hate me and I don't want to hate you. It's hard. It's very hard to let go. I wish you could give me some pointers on how to do it so easily. Well, I'll end by saying that I love you. I'll miss you...I already do. And I wish we could have worked this out. I wish we would have BOTH played our parts in finding happiness with each other. I guess it's too late now. Hopefully you'll call me if you think that you can dig up those feelings again. If you think that you want to find happiness. If you think you want a relationship with me. But if you don't, I'll understand. And I'll try not to think that it was me. I Love always with all my heart. |