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By marfell64 Date: 2008 Dec 21 Comment on this Work [[2008.12.21.17.32.12162]] |
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When I heard your voice on the phone today it was different. We have not spoke much since the divorce and when we have it has been short for the most part, guarded and from my end...full of venom. My venom comes from anger and hurt but some days it is hard to distinguish whether it is you or myself that it is directed towards. There was a strange comfort from the words today. To be able to talk about our children..share stories..and laugh with a knowing and understanding. Something I haven't experienced in a very long time. There is no one else to share those stories with these days. With others I worry it sounds like bragging. But as comforting as that was there were other moments that reminded me of why I usually keep my guard up. Moments when you were talking about something as mundane as insurance and the words residual and leftover came out of your mouth and I caught myself recoiling from the phone..wincing. Instantly I thought of myself and how you made me feel residual and leftover. I never really identified that till today..I have correctly identified many other feelings but I guess I missed that one. Being leftover. I think I felt like that way before the affair..or at least that one. Your behavior had a strange effect on me...the indifference and the controlling..not enough love or attention to make me think you cared but enough control to make me feel inadequate. Deep down I knew I was good enough..that you were unemotional and manipulating but I also knew that unless I continued to "suck that in" and believe it the end result would be the demise of my family..no more family unit..no mother and father in the same house..no happy family..broken family..split holidays..no united front. Broken family. No family. I would have done almost anything..in fact I did. It didn't matter. The end result was the same. I was the great martyr for my children. And we are a broken family. No family. I was able to make it last till they were in High School. High School before they learned there is no such thing as fairy tales. No happily ever after. No happy endings. Before they learned that sometimes the very people you love the most aren't who they say they are. That sometimes the people you share your home with, your life with, trust your very soul with..will offer you up for sacrifice to full fill their own needs. Sometimes those people will betray you so greatly that it changes you so much..it is hard to remember who you were before that cold October night when the fairytale ended. Sometimes I remember a few things..something will trigger a memory..like a while back I found a photo of when we were young. I was in the in the bed with the cat..asleep when you took the picture and I noticed my arms raised above my head and I was lying on my back. I had forgotten that is how I use to sleep. It has been 5 years since I have slept like that. Now I sleep (when I do) on my side..fetal position..my hands curled up in fists so tight that often it is midday before they stop tingling. Curled up and guarding myself...even in my sleep..against the enemy. Now I am prepared for the next time. So I guess after all that I have come to the realization that I am as I said in the beginning more angry at myself than you. I should have never taught my children to trust, never. There are no happily ever afters..so if you never trust anyone you can never be disappointed. This is what I should have taught them. If they had never believed they would have never been hurt..if they had known from the beginning..much like our almost grandchild..he has that lesson ingrained in him already..that sometimes husbands, wives, daddy's and in his sweet little innocent self..sometimes even mommy's will serve you up on a silver platter if it gets them what they want. I do find it so ironic though, as you struggle with becoming more emotional, more loving and selfless..I have become so cynical and jaded. I used to think that we struggle through the days and that good would prevail. That is not the case anymore. I struggle through just trying to survive it and then I realize ..we don't even survive it..after all that..a lifetime of pain, suffering and disappointment, we die anyway. Ironic again. There are moments when I wish I were in your shoes..you have the change to look forward to..to have emotions and feelings..hope and joy. My change has already come. I started at the other end of the spectrum. I had all those feelings and emotions and in the end it has been my undoing. The only ones I have left now are anger, sadness and regret. I am glad you are going to counseling and that you shared your feelings with me. Although I don't sleep for more that a few hours at a time either, there is no counseling for me. I am all counseled out. I do not take pleasure in your pain but I do take comfort in the fact that what you have done bothers you. Even though you were unemotional I could not fathom causing that kind of devastation and walking away unaffected. So that helps me to know that maybe not everything was a deception. That maybe I didn't spend twenty years in a lie..but I have a sinking feeling I did. I hope this helps you understand the venom ..the anger. I do hope you are able to change..for the sake of the kids and yourself. So at least someone will come out of this a better person..but as I am writing this down I see the irony again. You are the person that caused the pain and you are most likely the only one that will come out with a good change..a good result. That figures. See what I mean? There are no happily ever afters. |