By marfell1964
Date: 2009 Jun 01
Comment on this Work
[[2009.06.01.00.17.12840]]

His Choice


I remember the very instant when he told me.
I believed if I just ignored it ..it would go away.
It didn't.
It stayed there.
Crept behind me..no matter where I went..always in the back of my mind.
A black shadow...and if I thought about it too much...panic would set in.
It haunts me.
Breathe...stay calm..support him.
I can do this.
I can do this.
I can do this.
He has made his choice.
I am proud.
I am scared.
I can do this.
Acceptance at the choice.
Breathe.
Letters...daily letters..some twice a day...just a connection.
Get up early..when nothing else could drag me out of bed..but he needs to hear from me..or I need to connect with him?
Either way...whichever..get up..write..put your thoughts down..make sure he knows how much you love him..support him.
What I want to do is go to the bathroom and vomit...until it is all out..let it go.
He is cold..he is scared..he is sleeping in a hole in the ground.
How did I get here?
How did he get there?
I remember dropping him off at a hotel in the night.
He is going to be fine.
Hold it together.
He needs you to be strong.
Do not cry.
Breathe.
He is the child I felt move inside of me.
That I protected for so many years.
Now there is no protection I can provide.
Just prayer.
Nothing physical.
Only mental and emotional..and prayer.
It is a continual paradox.
Immense pride.
Paralyzing fear.
It is everything I believe in and nothing I believe in.
Honor.
Selflessness.
Serving your country.
Killing.
How did I get here?
How did he get there?
I wait for the mailman to bring words from him...or for the phone to ring.
His voice is a gift.
There are times when I am quiet...I can feel him breathe...the rise and fall of his chest..much like the times when he lay against me..when my biggest worry was how long the nap would last..that it would end too soon.
I am realizing at increasing speed how very little I know about life..how fast it is going and how very little I can control it.
I fear the lessons that lay before me.
I am strong..
I can do this.
I can do this.