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By Jane Doe Date: 2010 Feb 21 Comment on this Work [[2010.02.21.09.15.2458]] |
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Didn’t I, dream about this some time between his call and the coming new year. Such persistent dreams. Dreams I couldn’t put my fingers on. It didn’t look like a wedding. It was very casual. I was on my bedroom window. All I saw was an entrance of a zoo. There were a few couples. Faces of people I do not recognize. And there was the two of them, he lifted her in his arms. Each time I dreamed about it, it gets clearer each time. Like a child, I used to run to my friends, hurt, in tears, angry. But now, I remember mentioning it in passing to Jen and Pia. It was a brief mention. I was even the one who brushed it off. And not that I did not want to share with my other friends, may be there was no chance, may be it was too trivial. Am not saying it doesn’t hurt anymore. But I have to level with my own pain. Since the time I left, I already configured everything in my head. I may be accused of over-indulgence … over-indulgence of pessimism … but record shows all things bad and negative. I tried to before, but I cannot anymore. Lie to myself. That picture, that account, may be that was his girlfriend (may be to her I caused too much trouble already), may be that was their crew, his crew, her crew (…people who didn’t care whether they were hurting me or not), may be it was him (may be he wasn’t satisfied to have rejected me once, may be he has to do it over and over again). I still hurt but not as bad. I am numb but not comatose. I cut my breathe but am not dead. He needs a wedding. I jusz want my life back. |