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By Jon Date: 2013 Dec 20 Comment on this Work [[2013.12.20.20.43.29965]] |
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I hold onto and possess no illusions nor delusions that what we had was anything that special or remarkable. It was a very regular and normal relationship that had its fair share of highs and lows, but nothing anything more remarkable or special when compared to other relationships. If you had lived and with the way things were headed between us at the time I know we would not be together right now. Actually, if you had lived, I'm not quite sure that I'd even want to be with you. I don't believe either that I am capable of any more range of emotions and any particular depth of emotions that any other guy cannot or has not possessed since the dawn of our species. It's knowing all of that which frustrates me and makes me completely aware of the hold you still have over me. I will always love you and I would have always loved you even if you had lived and we had ended up trying to be friendly for Angelo. It's this hold that you have over my heart that I can't wrap my head around. I can't let anyone in. It's like there's this wall that I did not put up but am well aware of it being there. And that's the part I hate the most; is that perhaps I'm not quite the master of my own mind that I thought I was. You finally got me to commit to you the way you had always wanted and needed me to -- and all you had to do was die. You are the love of my life, and a part of me hates that because I always wanted to believe that it was my life and that it was my choice to decide who is or isn't special to me -- and you are special. More special than I ever wanted anyone besides our son to be to me. It's not the want or need of being with or wanting to love someone else that bothers me -- I am quite fine on my own. It's knowing that perhaps it's not up to me, that I love you and only you because I just do. Or maybe the only thing that was special about us was you. Or maybe it's the holidays and I am missing you more than I want to or ever could have if you were alive. Or maybe I'm just full of shit and none of this is true. Or all of it is. |