By Heather  dreamheather@hotmail.com
Date: 7 October 1997

THE RESULTS OF CONFUSION

I'm sorry, my man, you caught the brunt.
I pushed you away, shut you out.
But I needed to close this last chapter in my life,
before I fully opened the next.
I don't know why I couldn't tell you, I just needed time,
to straighten it all out.

At the time there were all kinds of voices,
both inside and out,
telling me, "do this, do that. Turn left, turn right."
"Go up, go down. Go here, go there. Feel this, feel that."

Got so I no longer could hear my own heart.
I needed time and quiet to listen, so in frustration,
I shouted.
"There's too much noise, please. All of you. SHUT UP!"

And you did.

For me, your silence was deafening.
I have never before felt such a hurt in my heart.
And the worst of it was knowing,
I brought it all on myself.
I took a gamble, and I knew it.
I just could not afford, did not want to repeat,
the same costly mistake, I made once before.

Making a choice in my life's direction
before having gathered my strength, to think it all out.
Be sure it would take me, to what I most want.
Make a fair evaluation, by looking both backwards and forwards.

Just look where my last big, life's decision took me.
I said yes to a man, made a vow, with my eyes closed,
that I now know I shouldn't have.
I confused needing with loving,
but needing is short lived.
What it got me was a life, never ending,
that was hugely lacking.
Lacking in love.

Think of the grief I could have avoided.
If I had just taken the time, to stop, look and listen,
before I leaped into that life.
I can't do that again, I would never survive it.
This time I won't start something,
without both of my eyes, and my ears, wide open.

So I have taken the time and have now had the chance,
in the peace and the quiet, to listen.
I have heard my own heart.
This is what it has told me.

I have little time left to waste.
In fact, I have already wasted enough.
I have now nearly cleaned up this mess.
And I absolutely, now know, just what I want.
And I refuse to believe, that it's too late.

Once it is finished, and finally all over and done,
once I am free, and beholding to nothing and no one.
I will set out to get no less than this;
to hold, to kiss, to love, and belong to someone,
who can also love me, without question, with all of his heart.

I had the persistence, the endurance, the perseverance, 
with a stiff upper lip, to stick with a marriage,
for years, to a man, that from the beginning, I didn't love.

Just think what I could accomplish with a man I really wanted, and loved.
He would have to ask for nothing, I would give all I had.
I would shower that man, with endless magic.
Make love to his heart, mind, and flesh,
to the very last breath,
in my body.

I would love him, and hug him, do all I could, to make him understand.
My love has no conditons, no boundaries, that true love, never should.
There would be nothing in my life, above that endeavor.
Not a job.
Not a home.
Not a family,
Not one thing,
would ever be, more important,
than showing every way possible,
and telling every way possible,
my deep felt love, for him.

As God as my witness, I will go to the ends of this earth,
if that's what it takes, to get the kind of love that I want.
And nothing, and no one, will stop me, unless....

...the one that I love and want,
decides,
he can't love me,
can't want me,
like that.

I want gold,
nothing less.

My Phantom.
My love.
My man.