By Wade Erickson Date: 16 November 1998
Returning here to remember. My life and my past I want to observe once again, before I am to old and cannot. I have been preparing for this sorrow and this last farewell. But will rejoice in these memories, then forget and move on. My heart will write what my thoughts have forgotten. And here an elderly man stands, reflecting these moments.
Brightly stippled dresses tinted with splashes of flowered patterns, were her favorite to wear. Then she was so callow and innocent. And just as beautiful and gracious throughout her every day, as her compassionate spirit was to me.
While her peers were out swimming in the lake, she was constructing a sand castle on the shore. I beheld in such admiration, the way her hands sculptured the wet sand into shapes. As if without hands they would form themselves. She then glanced and smiled at me. I fell in love with her that day, at this very picnic table for which I’m resting. Although times have changed dramatically. No longer is there a beach for swimming, no children splashing on the shoreline, no trees for the singing birds, just a clearing for development. Such a shame to see it all disappear. And propping myself up with my cane, I walk to another moment.
An after school football party, on the farm of one of the players. Keg beer was drank, cigarettes smoked, people laughed and celebrated a victory. We drove home, parked out in the backyard and played love songs until dawn, and dreamt our dreams of tomorrow. Those were the days when the summer nights, were never long enough. You’d wish you would have then, cherished every moment. The house I grew up in is gone. But the trees I planted as a child, are as antique as me now. A handkerchief in my suit pants wipes the tears away. I’ve remember all this, as if it was yesterday. And with my cane in hand, walk to another moment.
After graduation she packed her belongings and moved away to attend college. Her folks were better off financially and could afford to send her. They looked at a future for her without me. What they wanted was a clean cut business man and brief case, to walk her down that aisle. Not a guy who repaired automobiles in a small garage. Trying to stay in touch by phone or letters was unworkable. We both had busy lives, and time was kept to seeing her in summers. Mostly I worked, saved a little money for a few courses for my present job, but never would have enough to attend a four year college. As months came and went, we were slowly drifting apart. Each coming summer she’d tell me of the college parties, jocks, and all the fun and freedom she was having. Yet I was stranded in this small country town. We eventually lost touch after hearing she had met someone else. It was then that loneliness set in, realizing I had no one, and nothing to look forward to . This summer when she left, it felt now would be the last time I’d get to see her. Dampening the tears from my cheeks, walk on to another moment.
Years later when we crossed paths again. I had less to say of us, because time has made us almost strangers. Although we met on several occasions, the love had faded but the friendship remained intact. We had both dated others, but our relationships never seemed to work out the way we wanted. We always spoke of old times and memories we used to share. A time passed when her and I would hang out at the corner ice cream shop. That little parlor we shared our first kiss. It was like she never left, and here hoping for another chance to love her again. And from this moment, walk on to the next.
It was a cold Fall morning, packing my things to venture off to a job miles away in a nearby state. An opportunity that if passed on, it would be regretted. It was a way to escape my feelings for her, feelings that were not the same for me. And to prove to myself and her, that I was not afraid to leave this town. Not afraid to leave alone that is. What frightened me the most, was we left each other before and remembering how hard it was for me to say goodbye. Leaving her was not something I wanted to do. She begged me to stay. But inside I knew I must leave, to discover who I really was and what kind of a man lay within. The man inside knew he couldn’t stay. Loneliness would follow without her. And in one last farewell, I embraced her ever so tightly. Whispering in her ear, to hold fast to her dreams. And left a crying woman so dear to my heart. Then quietly walked to another moment.
Starting over was not as easy as my hopes had seemed. I was stabilized and content, but lonely without her. Not a day passed where I didn’t think of her. Not a night slept, where she wasn’t included in my prayers. Each week she’d write letters, and every evening I’d curl up with the blanket we used to share, and read them over and over again, retaining every one. My thoughts are in constant turmoil, missing her so very much. These memories yet so very old are still fresh in the heart of one who chooses to remember. And with this move on to another moment.
One sunny afternoon at the gravel pit. I halted the bulldozer to read her letter that was received this morning. But before finishing, a vehicle comes careening into the quarry in a trail of dust. Squinting into the sun, a young lady approaches. As she closes in, it was my dear sweet Rebecca. Makeup was running, and the tears just flowed from her sobbing lips. She cried and sniffled through the most touching words anyone has ever said to me. Bringing tears came to my eyes. When I left she could not bear or deny the love she felt any more. Her days were spent reading my returned letters and taking them with her everywhere she went. Driving day and night just to tell me that she loved me and always had. And in opening my arms, brought her back into my heart forever. Tossing my hard hat and the job, this afternoon we walked away holding hands. With my cane clutched tight, a deep sighing breath, walk to another moment.
Many glorious years were spent loving and caring for one another. We bought our first home several years later in our old hometown, in which to raise our family. My proudest moment was to hold and look into the eyes of my daughter and seeing her mother. I will always remember the tiny articles of life. Those we often times taken for granted. Each day is a reminder that love is worth waiting for.
Gently I place roses on her grave, my hands trembling now with age. I’ve yielded to tears, treasuring the rare opportunity to have loved and cherished such a beautiful woman . Aching to get up from my knees, cane in hand, hobble my way to the car. Driving off through the gates of the cemetery, I leave behind our dreams. Thank you for loving me. The angels will carry me to greet her, when my time on this earth has come.
Because I have walked these unforgettable moments.