By Gracie
Date: 22 November 1998

A Painful Heart

You really hurt me..
Yes.
You did.
The letter killed me.
Yes.
It did.
My heart wrenched with every word you wrote.
I fought back the tears,knowing you were beside me.
I know I could no longer be the same,
But I put on a smile,
Just for you..
These are words of a tired,confused mind.
I do not blame you.
I love you.
I know you can't forget the past..
It's difficult..
I know.
Heh,I'm not asking you either.
Hurt,Misery,Disappointment,Anger..Mixed emotions
That's me.
If only I could turn back time,
I would never confess my love for you.
Maybe things may turn out better.
Maybe you can still be with her.
i really hate myself..
People once said you can feel your heart ache..
I always laugh it off..
But today,
I felt it..yep,I felt it.
Remember once I told you that I wanted our relationship to end..
Coz I know you could never love me as deeply as you had for her.
I wanted to see your other side..
But I never had the chance to.
You only showed it to her.
I don't know why..pardon me for saying this..
I feel like a cheap slut.
Or some lust object.
I gave my all to you...
But you were never that emotionally inclined to me.
Well,I'm too weary to be pissed with myself.
I don't want to be the passing phase in your life.
I want to be your ever-lasting memories...
I need someone who gives me hundred percent,
As I always fear I cannot rise to your expectations.
I long for someone who loves me for me.
Two and a half weeks is short..
And I don't think you have completely forgotten her.
You may indulge with all the sweet nothings with me.
But how can the hurt of yours be worn off so easily.
After all,she was your first love.
And one who made you cry for two days and two nights..
I really feel minute and insignificant compared to her.
Indeed I do..
I'm exhausted..truly I am..I need a comforting shoulder.
Fortunately I have..a best friend who never fails to be there for me.
I cried to her on the phone.
Never-ending tears..
Tried sleeping..CAN'T!
Tried playing the guitar..could only remember the song you taught me.
Reminiscing the sweet memories,
Cannot help but breaking down again.
Please someone,
Help me from above..
I don't know whether I can take this..But I'll hang on there.
I know I can.
Life has to go on..And I'll take it in stride.
I don't know whether things will still be the same..
But I hope the best for you.
You will always be in my thought.
And I'll pray for you,Bernard.
All these sound like parting words.
But I have come to a point where I'm helpless.
Giving up may be the best thing to do.
I have to agree that I was scared into stepping into a relationship.
This was totally new and I did not know what to expect.
One thing for sure,
There are ups and downs.
But the important thing is how I deal with them.
And I really did learn along the way.
As for the time-being,
I will abstain from all love matters of the heart.
Like they always say,"Once bitten,Twice shy."