By Misti Velvet Rainwater
Date: 23 November 1998

Kinship

My mind is full of memories and questions that will never be answered
and yet as he talks at me for the millionth time
once again he believes I'm digesting his bullshit
taking it all to heart
loving him for his candor

He doesn't know my mind
how it spirals and swoops
and flies out of his grasp
I wish I was exactly how he wants me to be
present in the Here & Now
but I am mired in the Past
thinking of when I was a little girl
and Daddy would stare me down
at the supper table
and whip me with his belt
if I didn't eat everything that was
on my plate
thinking of my step-father and all the times he would yell at me
and tell me that I was selfish and no one liked me
thinking of my great-grandmother
the black and white picture I have of her and my great-grandfather
I've heard all the stories
he would hit the bottle
and then hit her
but she went back to him
and took it a Second Time
and I wonder why
I wonder what he had that called her back
when she died my cousin said they never could get along
but they sure were in love

and so he talks and assumes I listen
finally I tell him
that I am dead
   numb
and all i want is solitude
to be left alone with my poems
and my memories
and my questions
that will never be answered