By Wade Erickson Date: 16 November 1998
In the parking lot entrance near the tennis courts, tickets were being sold for the Milton High opening football game. Students and fans alike gathered in the bleachers to watch the opening kickoff. Up near the top of the bleachers my girlfriend an I were snuggled up in a blanket and sipping hot chocolate. We cheered and clapped for our team on the field, chatting amongst classmates and close friends of ours. Tonight I was going to give her a ring my grandmother wore when she married my grandpa. She was so very special to me. We enjoyed many of the same activities and adventures. Her parents were like mine, and many nights let me sleep over in their guest bedroom when I was to tired to drive home. We were the most talked about couple in school. Even getting our picture taken together for the high school yearbook. At half time we both had to use the lavatory. Stepping cautiously down the stairs, she fell between the cracks of the bleachers and tumbled to the ground below. Holding her hand on the stretcher, they raised her to the ambulance door. Crying out to me she couldn’t feel her legs.
That school year had passed, and so did another. Pausing at my locker to chat with some teammates on the football team, my girlfriend kissed my ear and hopped off to class before the morning bell rang. There she sat at the end of the lockers putting her school books on her lap. They fell to the floor, and she was unable to reach them because of the confinements of the wheelchair. The struggle and strain of hands that couldn’t grasp the book bindings, was embarrassing as her face reddened with anguish. With a sorrowful and disgusted look in her eye she paused for a moment to look my way, hoping I’d pick them up as any gentleman would.. But I was afraid and embarrassed of being near her and quickly sped off to class. No way was anyone going to see me pick up her books for her. People would of gossiped, and I wasn’t willing to risk my new found popularity.
Each and every morning we’d arrive at our lockers about the same time. Memorabilia and photos still hung in her locker of when we were together. It never bothered me to see them, but my cool jock buddies were always teasing me about it. How sweet and cute it was that she still cared, and I went along with their joking. Many times they teased her about not being able to walk (paralyzed from the waist down), what a clutz for falling from the bleachers. And I wanting to fit in with the cool crowd even poked fun of her as well. Sometimes we even left her crying. It bothered me though. Somewhere deep inside there were still feelings for her. I never wanted to tease and ridicule her, but then being cool and fitting in was the world to me
At times I couldn’t help but think what she was going through. That fateful day at the game would be the last we’d be together as a couple. Six long months were spent in the hospital recuperating. She under went physical therapy and hours of painstaking treatments to regain minimal use of her arms. Of course I’d visit her everyday to watch her progression. But she never wanted me around, always pushed me away. I cried sometimes then, watching the girl I loved so much in such pain. Caring for her I always would, assuring her that everyday I’d be there for her. I couldn’t blame her for being ashamed and embarrassed of her condition. We could barely hold hands, she couldn’t walk or hug me the way she used to. She was so spiteful and mean because of this, it only pushed us farther apart. The only time we spent together, was when I’d wheel her outside for some fresh air and we talked. Soon my hospital visits turned into occasional phone calls to say hello. We both knew we were slowly drifting apart, and I started seeing another girl.
The following year she returned back to school in a wheelchair. It must of been extremely difficult to face everyone whom you used to hang out with. They all pretended like they never knew her and shunned her from any and all gatherings. She was alone. I knew what she was feeling, how she thought, how her anger and fight to walk again was exhausting her. In her eyes I could always see the pain. The girl who once had it all, now had nothing, and no one to turn to. One evening after football practice, it was late, and I was on my way out of the school headed for home to study for tomorrow’s exam. Strolling past the weight room with my equipment draped over my shoulder. I noticed she was in there alone and attempting to walk a few steps. Supporting herself solely by the arms on an apparatus the gymnastics girls would use to practice on. I watched her fall, struggling to pull herself back up. Without a second thought, dropped my equipment and rushed over to help her back up to the bars. She smiled and thanked me and continued to attempt to walk. I left breathless and numb. Just the touch of her arms, the softness of her skin was overwhelmingly powerful. It felt like her love had returned.
The whole drive home I couldn’t stop thinking about her and when we were together. All the memories flooded my mind and I was awestruck by the feeling. That whole weekend I pondered stopping over at her house to she if she was ok. Read through all her love notes I had tucked away in a paper bag.
All the little paper cutouts and marker artwork she made for me, each with a story to tell. To myself I was over her, its been two years since we last spoke. I had to forget her back then and move on with my life. I shouldn’t have these feelings and continue to date the girl I’d been seeing. What’s wrong with me? I kept telling myself you were nervous around her. That you always got scared when you had to help her walk, because she was so petite and fragile, afraid of dropping her.
Grabbing my books, pencils and folders for class. I said goodbye to my pals, while snatching he a quick glance at Michelle at the end of the lockers. My short glance turned into a gaze, which she caught from the corner of her eye. Hesitating because I wanted to talk to her, my girlfriend interrupted to give me a kiss and a hug and pulled me by the hand to class. This sneak and peek procession went on for a couple of weeks. Still I hadn’t the courage to speak to her or let alone make an attempt because my friends still teased and ridiculed her in front of me. And my shame was that I didn’t tell them to stop or leave her alone.
In the center mall flyers were being passed out announcing the upcoming Valentines Day Dance this coming weekend. Everyone talked about who was going and who wasn't, what couples would be there, who was asking who out. Valentines Day came and so was the big dance. Everyone handed out gifts to their significant other and candy. My girlfriend bought me a plush little teddy bear and a designer bag of trinkets and a card with a mushy poem attached. I neared my locker to find a note tucked neatly in the vents. Upon unfolding it read " Dearest Brandon, I hope you can read this note, I’ve been working hard to be able to write again. Thank you once again for helping me in the weight room last month. You were a big help. Reminded me of when you used to try so hard to get me to do things on my own, and when ever I fell, you encouraged me to get up and try again. And if I was unable, you were there to pick me back up. I am able now to take a few steps with my own legs, and no wheelchair. I know I’ll never be able to play sports or run any marathons but I may be able to walk with the help of a walker. My dream one day is to walk without any help and no walker. You probably don’t want to hear about this or care, sorry. It has taken a lot of courage for me to write this to you. I know I picked an awful day to give you this, but I couldn’t wait. Sorry. I hope you don’t find this childish or stupid. I wouldn’t blame you if you just threw it in the garbage. I know you have a girlfriend and that your happy with her right? Well anyway that evening when I felt your hands underneath me lifting me up, it felt as though an angel had swooped up and given me my legs back. Almost felt like the angels gave you back to me. But I know that will never happen….. But thank you for being there for me. Hope my writing wasn’t to bad! I’ll leave you alone now. Goodbye Michelle". The letter was so touching I placed it close to my heart. And for a few seconds closed my eyes tight to hold back tears that were forming. Little did I know was she was watching from a distance and in tears by how intently I read the letter. Folding it back up, I placed it in my pocket and went to gym class.
The school was decorated like a ballroom. Streamers and balloons strung around the mall. A punch table with free candy hearts and cake. A dj was preparing his music equipment for the dance. Teachers adjusted tables and chairs for everyone to sit during the dance. My girlfriend and I walked in holding hands. She and her friends went into the bathroom to pretty themselves up and gossip. Meanwhile I scooped up myself a glass of punch and scanned all the students filtering into the dance. I noticed Michelle over in the shadows by herself staring at me. She has never come to anything that had to do with school or any type of social event like this. Ever since the accident that is. I smiled a thank you for the letter and was going over to talk to her, when my girlfriend rushed from behind hooking my arm. After everyone had piled into the mall the dance was just beginning to start.
Although having a good time dancing and chatting with my buds. I couldn’t take my eyes away from Michelle. No one had even spoke to her let alone ask her to dance. But how could they when she was in a wheelchair? She had a gorgeous red velvet dress on, sleeves layered with white lace and shoes to match. Her hair was made up and woven into a bun in the back. She was still so very beautiful. People were starting to notice me staring at her and whispered amongst themselves about it. Trying not to be obvious, I went to use the bathroom and when thinking I was in the clear and no one was watching, walked over to Michelle. Overjoyed to see me coming, grabbing her soft tender hand, told her how exquisitely beautiful she looked tonight.
A slow song played, my girlfriend was quick to snatch me up and take me out to the floor to dance. She draped her arms around me holding tight. Slowly we rocked round and round, I must of stepped on her toes a thousand times. It was over and everyone applauded for another slow song. But this time there was a new twist to the dance. Boys and girls split up to opposite sides of the floor in lines. The first person in line would walk over to the other side, grab his partner or girlfriend and dance in front of everyone.
Awaiting my turn in line, I noticed Michelle and her wheelchair were missing. Getting out of line, (everyone asking where I was going), went over to where Michelle had been sitting and saw her heading down the hallway towards the front door. I called to her, "Asking where she was going?" in a drawled voice. She replied saying "To use the pay phone to call her mom to pick her up and take her home". I was saddened to see her leaving. I missed her, and told her about the impact she had on me when I touched her in the weight room. " I want to say I’m sorry for the way I’ve treated you", my eyes glossy with tears. "My feelings for you never died, the were always there. I just was never man enough to admit it". Just then in the background I could hear our song beginning to play. The song we danced to when no one was even around, when we loved just to hold each other. I begged her to stay. Asking her please not to leave, there was one last song I wanted to dance, one last song to dance with her.
In amazement she couldn’t believe what I had just said. Speechless she allowed me to turn her around and push her back in towards the dance. I brought her up close to the floor where a few couples were already dancing. Everyone was astonished and flabbergasted by what they were seeing. You could just see the words spilling from all their mouths, "What the hell is he doing with her?!". Stepping in front of her, eyes sparkling from the dance lights, asked her if I could have this dance. She nodded yes and asked about what the others might say, or my girlfriend? That didn’t matter anymore to me. I was in love with her.
I released her hair gently from the bun, fluffing it out like a dolls. It’s rich softness and smell remembered, brought tears shedding down my face. Reaching down to unhook the lap belt around her waist, her hands forcefully stopped me from unbuckling it. Looking into her eyes that were crying I said tearfully "Please let me, hold you this time…". Picking her up into my arms, faced all my classmates, and carried her out into the middle of the dance floor for the remainder of our song. Tonight I would never forget.
And even to this day,
we still go for walks.