By Jordan t. Kiser
Date: 14 January 1998

Loved Memories

She is everything to me. She is about every thought in my mind. I just can't forget her. She is so beautiful to me. I think about her every day and every night. Everyone around me thinks I should forget her and move on, but it is not as simple as that, I try . . . I try very hard. Many times I have told myself "She's not worth it, forget her, there are better." But, no matter how many tim- es I quote that, I cannot forget her. She is the golden key to my life. I see the reflection of her face every time I look into the sky. Every time I think about her, I get sad and start to feel emotional. I long for the days gone by. Those days now are feelings, yet memories in time. My life's empty without her. Nobody can compare to her. Every day that I don't see her it's not the same, I feel lonely within my heart. I vowed that I would love her for all time. Anyt- ime I think about her, I remember the wonderful times I spent with her. The lo- neliness she has left me with has crushed my heart. All I want is for her to let me love again, because I need her love to comfort me and ease my pain. Through it all there is only one problem . . . she doesn't feel the same for me as I do for her. To her I am a simple raindrop out of those many others. For she has never given me a sign to show that she cares for me. I wish I could be her eve- rything like she is for me. How I would love the chance to hold her in my arms and stare into her beautiful eyes in which those of deep cave brown were not me- ant to be with those of crystal blue. For us to walk along the sea of love hand -in-hand and heart-in-heart, would be a wonderful dream. Unfortunately I don't believe these days will ever come to be. They, just like other dreams, will so- meday float away with a white blanket of clouds just as they had come. My heart no longer shines. I lay on the ground and stare at the sky while remembering your magic touch that filled my heart with warmth and your arms when you held me close. But now, I am not complete without you, I feel like I am slowly dying. My heart is broken in half. Now, you are the only one smiling. I do not exist to you. When you said sorry, you left my world to shatter. If this is "puppy love" then real love must be the most powerful and wonderful feeling there can ever be. Maybe some day I could be lucky enough to hold her in my arms. My he- art now can never be replaced because of the way she hurt me. The most powerful fear that exists in my life, is love. That's one thing I can't resist in my life. Love, to me, is the strongest thing that I have ever approached. My hea- rt has been shattered into many pieces and I am never going to feel as good as I did when my heart belonged to you. Loneliness is all that I can feel other than depression and the pain that it caused me. Ever since then, I have never been the same. I have a weakness of love that causes a great pain that is uncontrol- lable, a pain that doesn't allow me to breathe easily. That year was the most wonderful year that I have ever lived, and probably will ever live. I will miss those warm heart filling days that I have spent with her. All I want her to kn- ow, is that I loved her greatly, I will miss her for the rest of my life, and that oath that I made that I will love her forever was made by the truth that lives deep within my heart. I do love her. My life is now empty and I am bound deep within the sea of love. When nothing makes sense and every thought is blu- rred, love finds it's way like it did for me, and somehow I understand. I know why it is, and what must be, no matter what arises or what happens, love will a- lways find it's way and lead us to our destiny. When you look into my eyes you view my soul and see the love I have to give. It is everything I am, and becau- se of it I will always love you. For you have shown the density of love and how it works. Love to me is a world full of despair, you've given me hope, a dream, a desire for something more, something better. For this you will always be spe- cial I love you more than anyone will ever know. If there was a word to descri- be my love to you, surely it would only be spoken by God. For no person could love more than me. In my heart, I carry you and the essence of love in its pure and simple form. All I have to offer you is me and my love, though both are s- imple. I promise they are true, even as I write this, I think of how to descri- be to you, something I hardly understand. But I must tell you how I feel, so I close my eyes and let my heart guide my hand perhaps the tears that fall from my eyes will show you my love and how much it means to me. To me our love is ever- ything. I believe love will find it's way and show us the answers to the quest- ions being revealed. I promise you that I will always love you and that I never meant to hurt you. I promise I will never forget the love you shared with my h- eart and sole. For out of everything in my life that I have earned and gotten, your love is my most valuable possession, and the memories I have with it will always be my fondest. Life is truly a mystery, a puzzle waiting to be solved, although one might be able to solve it. Alone, the answer will be found easier with another. I want to discover life with you and experience all of life's se- crets together. In your embrace I love you . . . always and forever . . . When I was falling into a deep dark hole and had nothing to hold me up, you gave me your hand, but I didn't grasp it. You threw me a rope, but I didn't tie it. You gave me a parachute, but I didn't pull the string. Then finally, you gave me your love, and that is what stopped my hole. I'll remember the love that you shared with me, and how much you've helped me in life. I'll never forget you, my everything is you. One can fall in love as often as a tree grows lea- ves. It is perfectly natural but not free of guilt and sorrow, unless one takes oneself to be a leaf, of the other millions, on that tree. Out of everything that is preoccupied by the sorrow of the meaning, the above sentence, to me, is a sentence with so much meaning. Every day that I wake up, I always feel the pain that love has left me with for the rest of my life, and I will regret the hidden powers of puppy love forever. . .

I love you Jennifer Smith, and I always will. . .

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