By Jennifer
Date: 24 December 1997

Unspoken Words

Inspired by the "Lover's Rules", even though I can't do what they say.

A list of things I'd love to say to you:
     I feel like we are destined to be together. You are the only person 
I've ever met who is like me, and I didn't think that existed in the world.
We understand each other in a way that nobody else does. I'm the only other
person who would understand why we act in certain ways. And you are the only 
person I can really talk to about anything. You are my closest friend- not 
that I'll tell you that, but it's true. I love touching you. I love how when
we're near each other we can't stop ourselves from touching somehow. When we
touch it's the one time I think that you care about me, maybe love me. Not 
many people in life find their soulmate, especially this early in our lives,
and I do NOT want to let you fuck it up because of circumstances! This block
of yours is one of the few things that I don't understand about you. How can
you just try to ignore what we have, when you and I both know what this is? 
You're the only person I know of who DOESN'T want love right now. Are you 
insane? 
     The first person I ever loved- I won't tell you much about him, because
he doesn't matter anymore- he was a lot like you. Not like in looks or 
anything, but in situation, and some in personality. He had a younger 
brother and stepdad too, he was from the Midwest, he had a lot of female 
friends, he was incredibly nice, he had a lot of girlfriends (like you used
to)- sound familiar? When I saw him I "knew" that was the one. I didn't 
realize that I was wrong until I fell for you. It was like- an imitation vs.
the real thing. A pale imitation. You were everything I thought he was. It 
was even the little stuff, like my name. I always had the fantasy that he 
would call me "Jen," even though I go by Jennifer. I was disillusioned one 
day when he called me Jennifer. Why I want to be called Jen, I don't know- 
but I was disappointed. And then you came along, and you call me Jen. I know
it doesn't make sense, but then again, I don't get it either. I guess it was
like someone had given me guidelines before I was born: "The man you will
love will be like this . . . ", and I jumped at the first prospective 
candidate. But haven't you done this too? You kept dating pampered, smart, 
weird girls, but were never satisfied with any of them. I've always wondered
if you've ever loved any of us . . . including me. Somehow I don't think so.
     I have so many feelings for you. I think of you every night as I'm 
trying to sleep. I start smiling at the memory of something you said or did
all the time, and I try to remember it all. Especially since you don't. I 
remember the few times that you've seemed to feel the way that I do. That
card you sent me saying that you couldn't stop thinking about me- I LOVED 
that, that I affected you the way you do me. I loved finding out that you 
thought about the night of your prom so many times (especially after you'd
tried to disguise it earlier by saying "once or twice". I loved how it 
just "slipped out.").
     I hate it when you forget me. Forget to call, forget that I exist for a 
few months . . . aren't I more memorable than that? If I was meant for you,
then why can you forget me? I know you've got a terrible memory, but to 
forget my existence? When you do that I hate you. I think, "why did you have
to like me back?" If you hadn't, or at least hadn't told me about it, I 
think I would have gotten over you quickly, I wouldn't even remember you 
now. I wouldn't be in this much pain. I wouldn't have even known you liked 
me too if you had just kept your mouth shut. But you didn't. Instead, you
said the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me . . . And here we are now.
     I love you. I have wanted to say that for so long, and I know I can 
never tell you. "You can't handle it." I think you love me too, you just 
tell yourself that you "can't handle it right now. Not till I'm out of 
school."
     I think it's lovely how you can "control yourself" (MOST of the time,
anyway. Or so you think.) from loving me. I wish I could do it- but I CAN'T 
for anything in the world, not even you. I've even prayed for God to take my
love for you away so I could be "normal." I woke up the next morning feeling
nothing, what I've always wanted since it seems to be the way that you 
feel . . . and I HATED it! My feelings for you came back though, and I'm 
still stuck loving someone who's trying his damnedest not to love me.
     I've spent so much of my time wondering if you thought of me even a 
quarter as much as I think about you. I know you don't, and it hurts me. I
find so many romantic things- cards, etc. in stores- that I'd love to send 
you and I don't, because they're "not appropriate right now." I have a card
right now in my place at school that says "Miss You! That's it in a 
nutshell." that I bought and haven't sent you because I wonder if you even
miss me. I know you SAY you do, and you tell me you do . . . but your 
actions tell me that you don't even think about me. I'm only in town for a
few weeks and you want to spend your one day off WORKING ON YOUR CAR???????
What the hell are you thinking? ARE you thinking?
     We are worlds apart now, and I hate it. I enjoy my life as it is now,
but I wish you were in it. I hate that you don't have time for me, and when 
you do I have the sneaking suspicion that you go out with the guys. I hate
that you have to dedicate your life to work and school. I wish you could win
the lottery! I imagine that in your life, you never think of me anymore. Out
of sight, out of mind, I guess. For me, even though I'm busy, it's "just
another day without you." For you, I suppose it's "Jen who?"
     I'll never tell you this (because I'm afraid if I did, you'd dump me), 
but I HAAAAAAATE this "arrangement." I'm a low-maintenance person (you'll
never understand that I could handle a long-distance relationship, because
you think that you can't), and I hate that you don't even have the time to 
see me every other weekend. I hate that since you're not my "boyfriend," 
that you can NOT call me, NOT love me, NOT see me, and I can't object to it! 
     Why can't you love me back? Why can't you be in as much pain as I am?
Why can't I control my feelings the way that you do? Why can't we love each
other the same amount?
     Us not together is a tragedy and a waste. I want a boyfriend. I'm sick
to death of watching all my college girlfriends with their boyfriends, and
I'm tired of them telling me that you don't deserve me and that I should 
find somebody else. I tell myself that "they don't understand, they haven't
seen us together, so they don't know"- but the way you act makes me worry 
that they're right. I've tried to fall for others, but that's not as easy as
they put it. I don't WANT anybody else- haven't been able to, God knows I've
tried- for over a year. I don't care what you say about long-distance 
relationships and how I'll want to see other people. No distance is too 
great for true love, and I don't want to see other people! I do NOT want to
wait until you get out of school for us to be together- but you won't give
me any other options! And I am tired of your being to busy at work to see me
 . . . or so you claim. I've never been too sure if you are actually busy 
(as you seem to be when I've visited you at work), or if you just don't 
bother to see me when you are free anymore. I love this quote, and I'd love 
to tell it to you: "If you're too busy for something or someone you care 
about, you're too busy." I wish to God you'd think about that one for 
awhile. 
     I KNOW that you have to work your way through school, and I've tried
to be supportive . . . but I feel like I'm about to explode if I don't say
anything to you! And I also know that if I do, you'll just tell me that you
CAN'T handle having a girlfriend right now, blah blah blah, the way you keep
telling me. And I'm afraid that I'd frighten you into dumping me. This 
standoff is killing me, but I see no way out of it! 
     My goal for this vacation was to tell you these things. But, of course, 
I won't be seeing you this vacation because you'll be (surprise!) working 
the entire time! So I'm insane enough to write it all out on the Internet 
(where you'll never see it) for everyone BUT you to read instead. 
     Well, I've got to go now. I wish to God that something could happen to
change this . . . but I know it won't.
Love,
(did I ever tell you that you're the only person I sign letters "Love" to?)
Jennifer