By innocent rose Date: 15 June 1998
When he called her that evening, he told her that they needed to meet, using the urgent bird code. It was their secret; when he wanted to see her, he would call her his little *fill in animal here*. Each animal had a set meaning. A squirrel was just a desire to hang out, a turtle was a need to discuss something, and a bird was urgent business. They had adopted this code to keep her out of trouble. In her house, there were so many people that she was almost sure to be overheard, and she wasn’t allowed to see him. Her mother dis- approved, saying that at her age, she shouldn’t be thinking about boys, let alone dating them. When Alicia had tried to explain that this was a friendship, not a romance, her mother refused to listen. "At your age, you can’t be just friends with a boy. That sex drive is working overtime.... The boys all think of nothing else." She just couldn’t see that Joseph was not like that.
He had helped her through so much, the loss of her innocence, or what she considered lost innocence, a boyfriend who didn't love her who got her to give him her first kiss. He also helped her deal with the loss of her friend when Paul had committed suicide. She had been devastated. It was so unexpected; he didn’t seem to be unhappy. She continued to pour over the scene in her mind. He had called her on the phone, and told her... told her so much, trying to express his pain, how afraid and alone he felt. What could she have said to stop him? She didn’t know. As she listened, he went further and further from her, past the point where he was calm enough to consider what she was saying. She had tried, oh how she had tried, to stop him, to convince him that things would get better, but Paul wouldn’t listen. She called the police as soon as he hung up.... But they were too late. Barricaded in his room, all alone, he had shot himself, with his sister downstairs unaware. "There was nothing you could do," Joseph told her. "Nothing." But she couldn’t believe him. Even now, her eyes welled up with tears. She felt so responsible for Paul. Every day, she still passed his locker in school. It was right across from hers, and she used to see him every day... but never again. Throughout all of this pain, some memories stood out. She remembered going to the funeral, and being fine. Then, after it was over, she had collapsed, curling herself up into a little ball wracked with sobs. She remembered how he had not accepted that. He would not let her hide herself, her tears, or her pain from him. When she turned away, he enveloped her in his arms, whispering, "It’s ok. Let it out. Go ahead and cry. I’m here." It was the best thing he could have done. His presence soothed her, and helped her. He made it ok to be sad and afraid. He continued to do that, helping her to realize that she had feelings that needed to be released or discussed. In everyday life, he stood by her, and tried to make her world a better place.
It’s a good thing, too, because I was beginning to understand just how Paul felt, she continued in her reflection. I had just begun having major problems with my mom, and with my life. I needed someone so badly, just to be there and to listen to me. I had never had that before, a person who asked me, "Are you ok?" and really wanted an answer. It was a new experience; I had never imagined what such a deep, loving, lasting friendship could be like. I am so glad things turned out this way.
Of course, some of the things along the way I could have done without. Well, on second thought... I guess some of our friendship stands on the base of pain that we helped each other get through. Paul’s death was a turning point in our relationship, instilling in me a sense of trust and permanence that had been absent before. Even earlier, Joseph’s break-up with Lisa had started the friendship. I remember it like it was yesterday....
He had been telling her for weeks about his relationship with Lisa ending: how hard it was going to be, what problems would be caused by his girlfriend going away to college, and how they planned on e-mail to get them through and keep up communication. They had both said that the relationship would end when she went to Chicago for college, but he loved her with all his heart, and seemed dedicated to her anyway. That first week of college was rough on him. She sent him an e-mail telling about how much fun she was having, and how all of these guys were trying to pick her up. Telling him stories about her new cute male friends, and comparing many of them to him, was not a good idea on her part. The day after he got that e-mail, he approached Alicia. In the past three years, the two had known each other slightly, through friends and acquaintances, especially Lisa. This year, they happened to have lunch together, and since both ate in the same classroom, they began talking. He had asked her to help set him up with some girls for dates, and she was trying to get some idea of what kind of woman interested him, or that’s how it started out. They had become good friends. Then one day, he came to school looking so sad that it seemed nothing would ever make him smile again. He came to Alicia for help and consolation. She had long been known in our little circle of friends as "the psychologist." He knew that, and he needed to talk. So, they found an empty room.
He explained to how he felt, like Lisa had only used him, never really loving him at all, just telling him that she did. As Alicia looked into his eyes, brimming with tears behind the glasses, she could see how deeply he had loved Lisa. He had seriously considered marrying her, but not anymore. She had hurt him too deeply, by not being as serious about him as he was about her. All this he expressed to Alicia, through his looks, his words, and his desperate need for consolation. In my years as "the psychologist" I have learned a few things, one of which is that sometimes word just aren’t enough. For the whole lunch hour, she just sat with him, wrapping him in her arms and holding him while he cried. It made me so sad, that he was in such pain. I knew that he was such a sweet, kind, wonderful person that he should not be in such terrible pain. All he had ever done for me was help me, and I knew that all he had ever done for Lisa was help her and be kind and loving toward her. How could the world be such a terrible place, that someone who only loved other people should get such pain in return? It was another day I lost my innocence. I empathized so much with him; it seemed that by helping him let go of his pain, I was helping myself let go of mine.
If that pain had never happened, would I be here today, waiting for him? Probably not. She brought out her book, and continued to work on the poem. She had been writing this poem for weeks now, trying to get it just right. His birthday was coming soon, and she wanted it to be special. She tried to find him a wonderful gift, and she had gotten him a small stuffed animal, but she wanted to give him something more personal, a little part of myself to cherish. Of course, he already that; he’s stolen my heart.
I remember the first time that I realized I loved him. I was very sad that day, very upset, I don’t remember why, probably because of Paul’s death... yeah, that’s what it was, and the fear of losing him. By turning away from him, curling up into a ball alone, I had hurt and upset him. He wanted me to open up to him, let him take care of me, but I just couldn’t do that then. The bus was too crowded, too full of people. I open up best when I am alone with a person I trust. He didn’t understand that I couldn’t do that then. I wanted to so badly, to just let it go and cry all over his shirt, but I couldn’t let myself go then and there. I didn’t realize it at the time, but when I got off the bus, I saw the hurt in his eyes. Only then did I realize that he thought I didn’t want to talk to him or let him help me. It scared me; I didn’t want to hurt him. After that, I was afraid that I would make him want to leave me and stop being my friend. He had been very distant lately, and that worried me. We hadn’t had our customary talks in several days, and I missed him. He could tell, he was always the only one who could, that I was having a bad day. I was having a hard time telling him what was wrong. I didn’t want to upset him, but he wouldn’t stand for it. He gave me a big hug. When I still wasn’t talking, he reached out his hand, lifted my chin until he could see my face, then softly stroked my cheek with his outstretched fingers. As I looked into his eyes, I saw them brimming over with love, kindness, and concern, and I knew how much he cared about me. At that instant, I realized that I had fallen in love with him. Over time, my resistance to him, and his love, had diminished, and disappeared. I had realized that I loved him after all this time of hanging out with him and being his best friend. How had this happened? I guess I was just swept off my feet by his overwhelming concern and love for me. I asked him why he looked at me that way, realizing that I was blushing and wanting to change the subject. It didn’t work. He looked deep into my eyes and told me, "One day, you’ll understand." Then my fate was sealed, and I had fallen head over heels for him.
The hard part was not letting him know how she felt. He had a girl- friend named Julia, one of her best friends, and Alicia couldn’t live with herself if she got in the way of that relationship, not to mention that he would never betray his girlfriend’s trust like that. Julia was so fragile, easily hurt, and very sick. There was no way anything could come of sharing this love with him. It would only make the relationship awkward and strange, and Alicia didn’t want to sacrifice the closeness they shared as friends. So she loved from afar, never imagining that anything would come of it.
That’s how I got here, waiting in the forest for the guy I love, even though he doesn’t know it. How can he not realize that he has seduced me with his love, his kindness, his touch? I wish I could express how I feel, I wish I could find the words. This poem is the best I can do. She looked into her lap at the poem. Every night, she brought it out, hiding it during the day from the prying eyes of her family. She was so afraid that someone would find it, and figure out that she was in love. That was her secret; she couldn’t reveal her feelings to anyone, even him. So she was working on the poem. The good thing about a poem was that there were many interpretations for the words. She could express herself just enough to help her get through the difficult times without making it obvious that she was totally in love with him. She smoothed out the paper, and read the poem once more, intending to begin work again.
A piece of myself
Love begets love, begets love
Awakens the passion of a soul
Inspires trust
And more love
Never pushing
Never hurting
Never forgetting
Nothing can come between us
Always, I am here
For you
Fear, Pain, Love itself
They push me away
But cannot hold me back
Look into my eyes
The love I feel overflows
Running into you
Every look
Every touch
Every word
Testifies to the love harbored here
In my heart
Always here
Never faltering,
Never failing
Never leaving
You inspire me
To open myself
To feel
To love
You give me courage
You hold me
You help me
You love me
And I love you
You are a piece of myself forever
It’s not much. How can I express my feelings without really expressing them? I mean, I want him to know that he is very special to me, but not that I love him...This poem is my best attempt, but it’s not very good...
She stopped, her thoughts interrupted by his approach. Quickly sliding the paper into her notebook, she rose to meet him. He approached slowly, head hung slightly, as if he was about to collapse. His shoulders seemed bowed under an enormous weight, and his eyes... The pain and sorrow shone out so obviously from his eyes... Something was terribly wrong. She reached out, drawing him into her arms for a hug. They stood like that for a while, entwined in each other’s arms, leaning on each other. She began to stroke his hair, soothing him, and crooned, "What’s wrong, Joseph?" in his ear as they released one another and walked together toward the log. As they sat down, she reached up and, placing both hands on his cheeks, turned his face toward her. "Now, what is it? What’s happened? Don’t tell me it’s nothing, I can tell by your face that something is wrong. Is it something I did?"
"No, no... it’s not you. You are not doing anything wrong. I love you." He spoke quickly, concern mixed with sorrow in his voice. "No, it’s not you..." He had lost all ability to shape the words, faced now with some feeling he couldn’t describe or wouldn’t admit. What could bring about such a change in Joseph? He seemed fine earlier...What is going on? But, if he doesn’t want to talk about it, there’s nothing I can say or do to change his mind. Alicia just sat, cradling him in her arms. He rested his head on her shoulder, and they just sat for what seemed like a long time. Then he disentangled himself, slowly moving out of her encircling arms. He looked at her with a look betraying a soul ravaged by pain, sorrow, and guilt.
"Why did you want me to come, Joseph? You said it was urgent, so lets talk about it, ok?" In her gentlest, softest, kindest tone, Alicia attempted to draw it out of him. Seeing him like this hurt so much. Why do bad things have to happen to good people? I hope he’ll be ok... With Julia gone, I know it is hard for him. But why does he seem so upset today? She’s been gone for weeks now... What could have happened?
"I just can’t take this anymore. It’s too hard on me to keep this from you, Alicia. I don’t know why or how, but somewhere along the way, I’ve fallen in love with you. I know, it’s a bad time, but this has been torturing me for so long. I don’t know what to do, or how to deal with this development. I don’t want to hurt our relationship, or scare you away, but I just can’t keep this inside anymore. I love you, Alicia, and I mean that as, well, more than a friend. I’ve been trying to figure out why I find you so attractive... trying to figure out what to do, since even before Julia left. I felt so guilty for having these feelings for you when I was committed to someone else, but you were so sweet and kind to me... I just couldn’t help myself. I’ve been trying to decide whether or not to tell you for weeks now, and especially today. I know you think that I have been getting distant lately, you probably attributed that to Julia being gone, and that’s partially true. Since Julia left, and we broke up... I haven’t been able to figure out if it would be better to tell you and see if we have a chance for a relationship in these three months we have left before college, or if I should just keep quiet about it, and not risk destroying our friendship. Well, it’s out of my hands now..." He paused, waiting for a response. Throughout the speech, Alicia hadn’t said a word, but she was thinking furiously. How could this be? He loves me, and I didn’t even know! I accused him of being unperceptive, but I didn’t realize it myself. That’s pretty ironic! Wow, I can’t believe this! Here I’ve been going on the assumption that my feelings were all one-sided, and then he comes out with this... I knew he loved me as his best friend, but I had no idea he’d ever even considered me as anything more. The novelty of the idea astounded her for a moment, with hope and a surging of love for this wonderful person who was her best friend. A single tear rolled down her cheek, and she blushed furiously as she wiped it away.
Confused, afraid that he had somehow hurt, upset, or angered her, his expression became pleading. "Oh, no, I didn’t mean for this to happen. I don’t want you to be upset, I just had to get this off my chest, and I thought you should know why I’ve been so distant... Please don’t cry. Just forget I even said a word."
"No, no... Those words I will never forget. I have confused you again. I’m not upset, Joseph. You have made me very happy. You know, I don’t only cry when I’m upset. Any excess emotion triggers tears: anger, frustration, love, happiness, or pain, it doesn’t matter what it is. When I get too much, I cry to release it. You have made me so happy, I am overwhelmed. You don’t realize that you are not the only one who has had this problem. I have fallen in love with you, too, and have stayed that way for a long time. I was just afraid to tell you, knowing how much you were dedicated to Julia. I knew nothing would come of it but discomfort, and I didn’t want to hurt her... so I kept quiet. But I know how you feel; I’ve been there myself. Anyway, the point is you have not upset me. You have made me happy, much happier than I thought this meeting would make me. I have been in love with you for a long time, Joseph, I’ve just been afraid to say it." She was smiling radiantly, leaning toward him with a soft, serious look in her eyes. "Didn’t you know?"
"You are such a good actress... No, I didn’t know."
"That’s ok. It’s my fault I guess."
Conversation stopped as they looked at each other with new eyes, overflowing with love. She reached out gingerly, pulling his head to rest on her shoulder, and slowly wrapped her arms around his neck, increasing the pressure of the hug. Closing her eyes, she savored the sweet scent he always wore, and felt the pressure of his shirt on her cheek. Sometimes words weren’t enough to express the emotions raging through her heart. This was one of those times. The sensation of his arms encircling her waist, tightening slightly, as if to hold her forever, made her euphoric. They stayed that way for a long time. Then he slowly released her. She sat staring into his eyes, and he reached up to touch her face, stroking her cheek gently once. She knew that it was ok; he would never take advantage of her position, alone in the woods like this. That’s how much she trusted him, implicitly. But she also knew she had to return soon.
"It’s not your birthday yet, and I was planning on saving this ‘til then, but I feel that now is the right time for you to receive it. Take this, and read it. I wrote it for you." She pulled the poem out of her folder as he rose with her. "I need to go home now, ok? I love you so much, Joseph, with all my heart. Sometimes I get the idea that I can explain it, but I can never really express how much." She reached out her hand, grasping his, and turned the motion smoothly into one last, lingering hug. As the stars came out, they separated once again, as she whispered "I love you" in his ear. She turned around and began the walk home, elated and filled to bursting with love.