By nicole fix
Date: 22 June 1998

personal add for twenty going on twenty-one

alone
   checking the mail
every single day
   waiting--
for a letter
   a friend i haven't heard from in ages
   miss laughing with
over tea
over beer
over the bunk bed room one o'clock nightly secrets.
for a check
   so i can shop my heart comfortable
   forget dingy-colored boyfriends
      hangin onto my brilliant dressed ache--yellow with polka dots
      with clawing fermented metal hangers.
for a it's a baby shower! announcement
   slap in the face responsibility
   for a heads on friend.
for a you're invited
to a chapel
you're in the wedding
buy a dress--need a check
   i'm getting married invitation.
married?
what the hell?
   i doubt i'll ever get married
but i want kids
a girl named mariposa rain.
someday
hopefully if the world 
doesn't end in 2000
   before i go out west
   to discover like prairie hogs
   myself
   and my anscestors
i.e. sisters and brothers
   in lessons, in pain, in culture.
before my lesbian feelings 
consume me
bisexuality always a possibility
marriage
   with raging orgies--
i like it up the ass
sometimes
   but right now
   i want her to touch me
because i'm sick of boy boo-boos
i'm sick of feeling
confused desires
i'm sick of waiting--
   like a middle-aged woman
   facing middle-age alone
waiting--
for the mail to come.