By d
Date: 28 February 1998

monster

i will always remember that sound you made 
when i laughed about a rumor 
words are only words to me 
how can they make your voice shake? 

every day that goes by 
my past slips further away 
i can remember things without hurting now 
i have found a reason to try .. your smile 

but sometimes i see something behind it 
a memory 
of something you've never gone through 
but will have to deal with forever 

when you fall asleep in my arms
do you picture the last one there? 
i know you do 
i know it all too well 

no matter how many times i tell you 
that what i've done before 
is not something i would do now
i know you don't believe 

and how can i explain? 
the wonderful change that has come over me
its been years since i acted without thinking 
its been years since i hated myself 

your smile slowly erases the pain 
of misunderstood lust 
and tears that once fell in the night 
the tears i cried every night 

but how do i make you believe? 
the words i say to you 
don't come close to how i feel 
can you describe this feeling in words? 

will i ever be heard? 
will you stop thinking about my pain?
can i live my life without you 
stumbling through my past at every turn?

beans, you mean the world to me 
but how can you love me 
if you're so busy remembering 
busy hating me 

for things i did so long ago 
things that made me hate myself 
and now that i've realized i'm a good person 
you have to prod me with that hate

i know its hard for you to understand 
how i could give myself without love 
i don't think i understand 
myself 

maybe its not to be understood 
only forgiven and moved past 
can you let my memories go? 
let my past be my past 

i get more scared every day 
you know 
that monster behind your eyes
is eating you alive 

i know 
that monster was mine before