By saffire2000@yahoo.com
Date: 18 April 1998

Jumping into Life?

I heard this song the other day.  It was just a snippet of a song really but 
the words really got to me.  

           "I don't want to wait for our lives to be over."

That was the only phrase I heard, I don't even know who sings the song.
But that one phrase repeated in my head over and over.  Wait for what?

   Love? Honesty? Christmas?  Truth?  Trust?  Life?  Laughter?  Lunch?  What?
Is life love?  Is love life?  Is there a difference?  Am I the only one waiting
for that ever escapable perfect moment to jump into life?  Fearing that I'll 
be jumping into a vast realm of nothingness.  This fear of falling has held me 
white knuckled to the railing on the edge of my life.  Peering into the canyon
watching others live while I remain in the frigid winds of the emotional void.
Encountering those ever so helpful people who want to know me, want to help me, 
those who want to push me back into life.  They want to pry my fingers from the 
cold railing to send me kicking and screaming to the floor below.  But if I let
go, I might fall, I hear myself scream.  No, I'll be fine right here.  I'm 
waiting for the wind to calm.  But the calm will not come and I know that 
unless I jump soon, I'll die a cold shriveled person.  
Maybe my life is already over...

If I open my eyes maybe I'll still be able to see the people below again.  The 
people who are happy, the ones that were able to jump and the lucky few who
never scaled the cliff in the first place.  Slowly, I open my eyes the people
are there.  Their faces are different but I have been up here a long time.  
Just below me hanging on the railing is someone reaching out to me.

   "Come join us,"  he says smiling.
   "I don't know."
   "There is life without love but I wouldn't advise it.  Come with me."
   "I want to,"  I answer quickly. 
   "Take my hand," I want to but I am frightened.  What if he, too lets go?  
   "I won't let you fall," he says and I want to believe him.  Looking into
to his eyes for some sort of clue, his eyes reflect only peace and honesty.
   "But I have to do this on my own," I said defiantly.
   "The decision is yours to make.  Beyond that, anyone can help you - if you 
let them."
   I thought about this a moment.  If he's right then I've been up here 
waiting for nothing.  There is no perfect moment.
   "I'm right," he says quietly.
   So, I am taking his hand...       Wish me luck!