Saying It

I probably don't tell Mo how much I love her often enough.

It's a terrible thing for the Keeper of the Blender to have to admit, but it's true. Despite my very strong feelings for her, despite the occasional distinct feeling that "yikes, this might be The One," despite knowing how much it means to her to hear, I sometimes have trouble finding the right time and mood to say it.

I've tried to figure out why I have this difficulty, if it's a "guy thing", a "midwest thing", or "just one of those things". I try to rationalize it sometimes: I think that love and real affection needs to come across in how you act and what you do. That's true, and if there's ever a disconnect in someone's words and someone's deed look at the deeds, but sometimes the deeds alone aren't enough.

I guess not having a romantic clean slate (hardly anyone does) adds to it too; I've loved people before, I've told them I've loved them, but a break up happened anyway. Saying it, then, seems like bad magic. It's sometimes hard to remember that saying "I Love You" is a reminder of current feeling, and a hope for the future; it doesn't have to be a vow or a guaranteed prophecy.

And I'm aware that saying "I love you" can be misused as an attempt to influence someone. It can be an unfair thing to say, at least when the feelings aren't reciprocated. (There's a quote by Sam Phillips that goes "I know: You say love when you mean control"-- a really scary thought.) Love can get you through a lot, but affirmations of love aren't a panacea when other things are under question.

Oh, and a lot of this goes for other expressions of affection as well, reminders of how cute and nifty you think the other person is.


Mo, I love you. Am crazy about you. And am hoping that you don't mind all these other fine people here knowing as well...

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