By Nakita
Date: 5 September 1998

Cyber Lesson Learned!

A letter is being written for you.                7/26
>Written in draft form, why?
>Because I know not what else to do?
>
>It is as cold here, in draft, as it is in my heart.
>My body chilled, by your absence.
>My mind numb, not understanding.
>
>Perhaps i write to heal myself...
>Its the not knowing...
>The emptyness...the pages... barren.
>
>I have written...
>No responce..
>I get upset.
>I get angry!!
>And believe it or not...
>I then feel guilty, for the anger I feel!
>
>Not understanding, I've tried...
>Truly I have.
>
>God, baby...
>I sit and wonder!
>
>How could you sit and read my letters...
>Knowing, my pain... 
>Yet, you let me linger here!!
>You once said, "I will not be responsible for your tears"
>Well, baby! 
>You were not then, but you are now!
>I need to know WHY?
>You came close,closer, I let you in...
>DEEP! farther then anyone....
>You said, "You'd never hurt me on purpose!"
>I ask then,"what is this?"
>Knowing, or do you?
>That on the other side of this fuckin pc.
>Is ............ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>I am not cyber... a chip... a machine!
>
>My anger SCREAMS, fuck you!!
>You beast!! how could you play with some ones heart & soul!!
>
>How could you!!
>How could you!!! Its me.......
>
>Give me closure..... give me peace.
>
>The words we spoke.
>The letter sent.
>The giggles, the late night LMAO's...
>
>Starting as friends... and then ...
>I question myself....
>perhaps I am nieve...
>
>Should I have realized...
>Should I have seen...
>
>You shared so much w/ me...
>You life/desires/fears....
>Past and present dreams...
>
>I thought these true...
>I thought you true....
>
>I thought.... I shared.......I let you in
>Think back, Baby... 
>
>From you I asked for one thing.
>The "promise"
>
>were these just words...
>Cyber static......
>
>Why does my heart say "no" 
>I know him to well...
>He may be rough, but not crewel.
>
>I am not blind, not fragile!
>Poppie didnt raise a fool!
>Fully grown! Too your am a big boy! reaction!
>Not nieve. I thought you true!
>Or I'd never have let you in!
>It was my soul that told me to!
>DAMN ME!
>I will not crumble and turn to dust!
>If you remember...I am a survivor!
>
>You know me well, but only half.
>Dont you wonder, I know I do...
>"Of the moment of truth in your eyes"
>I cant believe all things said and felt,
>so easily abandoned....
>
>"Needing to know, what has changed...in you/your life...for this 
>reaction"
>
>I am much like you... damn you, you know this!
>Like a bull.
>Can take the lifes shit...
>And kick it back in the ass!
>And still............. survive.
>
>Lesson learned!
>Stronger for it too!
>
>Tell me baby...
>Are you my lesson?
>Are you my teacher, 
>Of "****"' lifes lesson"
>
>Remember ***,
>above all.. trust no one.
>Friend by word, by heart!
>Even by soul.
>
>Lesson learned..."information absorbed unwilling"
>
>I will, knowing now what I do!
>Never be able to love another as i did you!
>Weither you know/believe it or not!
>soulmates have only one other half...
>
>...you are, and always will be this.....
>...you have no say, our soul know this...
>
>...and if at the moment, your eyes, soul, heart blind...
>...know this sweet man, no matter how far you pull back...
>...or how fast you or deep you turn your self inward...
>...I am and will never relinquish...my connection..."unconditional"
>.........................for life................................
>If  this lifes connection severed...on your half.
>
>All other will never compare...
>
>True one day,who knows, I might be happy.
>But, I will never love.
>Yes, love......
>not to the depth I know it contains!
>Never again!!!!!!!!
>
>Lesson learned!!
>
>The pain perhaps it will lessen......
>The scar forever will remain....
>
>" Wondering... if the "soulmate theory" true....
>...does this mean one day.........
>...or once lanced..... to bleed for life...
>...or is it ...that I believe alone...
>
>...or is it this.........
>
>if you love someone....
>set them free...
>if they come back to you, yours.
>If not, they never were ??????????????????????????????????????
>
>
>!@$%^&*()_)()(&^%$##@!#$^&**()__:) :) ;) :P *** LOL!! 
>                                                       7/28
>
>This was written in my journal yesterday....
>You had said once you'd love to read them...
>I thought I'd let you in...deeper...
>
>
>
>Still...
>the first thing on my mind when I wake.
>The last thing on my mind before I sleep.
>A soft smile passes my lips/warm thoughts/giggles...
>
>I pause... pray your okay....
>and your reading this...healthy and strong!!!
>(My 6th, stings...............................................)
>
>A tear, falls...
>I wipe it away...
>Place a stone in the wall
>where my emotions, try to run free.
>Hold it back, tuck it away....
>Numb it....
>
>Dont ask me why... I am compelled to write.
>Perhaps, as I said to begin healing.................whew!
>Why, in my journal? I do know this it doesnt buzz, tic, hum...
>Show me empty pages.( As I type this I am thinking Rambling's of a mad 
>woman...LMAO!! :))
>I dont have to wait to peer at a at a window...
>Hoping you turn a shade of blue, "ut oh"...messages...
>I dont believe in ghost any more, once yes....but no more...
>Here my soul can reach out through my words...
>Reciever up.... ESP...LOL!!! ;)!!!
>Hmmm, I shake my head {crazy bitch} <>
>
>
>Linger on thoughts...
>Linger on January...
>
>On the radio...
>Edward Mc Cains..." I'll be..."
>
>"Tell me that we belong together,
>dress it up, with the trappings of love."
>
>I'll be your crying shoulder...
>
>....... your love suicide,
>.......better when I'm older,
>.......the greatest fan of your life.
>Rain fall angry on the tin roof, as we lye awake in my bed....
>"your my survival, my lifes living proof, my love is a live and not 
>dead...
>
>" I'll hang from you lips"
>"Stare at the gallos of heart ache that hang from above"
>"I rememeber the things the you said...."
>***pieces, not in order***
>
>Then ...hmmm... this song...
>"Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls....
>
>"In a world where things are meant to be broken, I just want you to 
know 
>who I'am"
>
>
>
>Hmmmm... why is it that the radio plays all my favorites.. when I am 
>thinking of you..
>Plays all the heart wrenching songs that pull at my soul,then songs 
that 
>lul it back to peace w/ faith close behind....
>
>They play me, as I wish you would..
>Emotional turbulant... soul satisfying....
>{{{  Grin}}}}...!!! LMAO!!!
>
>Why do I write...
>I am compelled....
>by.............
>you, you shit!! LOL!
>I sit and scribble, write and doodle...passing the early moments of the 
>morning quietly...
>
>Sittingon the counter in the kitchen,
>journal, resting on my knees....sometimes writting faster
>then my hands can move acturately, mind races...
>
>I know my last note said I give up...This is anger, cross words, 
>fruastration!!!
>
>That comes from all this.........yuk!! Tired of explaining it! I know 
>what it is, so does he!! 
>
>"how does he, I cant!!"
>"How do you give up, walk away from some one you love.(?)"
>
>HOW? I cant...just cant....
>
>Baby, come to me...
>heal me...
>
>Explain this to me...
>
>or just give me closure, peace.
>
>( As i type, a tear builds, wipe it,  set a stone...numb it...go on!)
>
>I think to myself how unfair, unjust, it is to leave with no words!
>I would never... hurt him in this way.....never!
>
>i will ramble  a moment longer then go...
>
>Believeing in my heart...that you know ......(wipe, place, numb)
>
>Last part of the entry for the day... lots to do...same shit different 
>day...sheepish grin...
>
>My thoughts...that you have fallen in love...
>
>If you know me as well as you should, damn after 8 months ...
>I wish you all the happiness life can give...
>I love you enough, too...nuff said...
>
>perhaps thats why the silence exsist...
>you do not want to hurt her...I understand...
>But, "if anything were to change...." you know the rest.
>She must be specail, she has to be for you to love her!
>
>This I can comprehend...
>Not wanting to jeporodize (sp), not wanting to hurt someone you love.
>
>                        I can and do!!! understand this...
>                             heal me/ give me peace...
>                              unconditional/ for life
>
>

>
>
>pss...Not wanting you to think of me as some ...
>dont know how to put it...
>
>You are my only vulnerable spot...
>The only one who can bring this woman to her knees...
>
>HEY HEY NOW!!! thats not what i meant! :)
>
>
>If there is one thing about me you remember ***, I am!! honest!! 
>truthful!!! about all and always................
>
>I am mailing this... hmmm.... who knows? :)
>
>in my thoughts...dreams...heart...soul!! (you shit LOL!!! :) )
>
>                                   ***
>
>ps... lol teasin' go! be well!!! :)