By Jlor aka 'Anonymous Jack '    jlorenz@saber.net
Date: 29 July 1999

Unconditional Love for a Sorry Man

                         

Time has run out. I'm on death row. I am sick at heart and 
my health is gone. I languish now in pain and sadness in my cell,
knowing I am going to die soon--not later. Later has come for me and 
it's now: any time now. Selfish dirtbag that I've been:  for me it's
finally really time. I begin to see it makes sense to reflect on 
what death means to me, right now that it's going to be real.   
It's time to face up and pay for what I've done. But I'm still
a coward; not man enough to pay, so, I weep like a baby, 
asking God: "What am I going to do?"It's too late to make any real 
changes in me now. Is that all there is? Just wait for the 
executioner to come? 
   So, I decide to set my house in  order and ask for a piece of paper 
to send a letter to the woman I still love, but who I hurt and left
behind almost ten years ago.  She always loved me but I wouldn't 
believe it. I scorned her then and wanted to sow my wild oats.
I blamed her for things I myself had done wrong, and even though
she forgave and comforted me many times after I hurt her, I did it
again and again, then finally left her for no reason but that I 
wanted to live "free" and just run wild. I knew inside all along 
that I had wronged her bad,  but I just blocked it out and did
pretty well in forgetting it. In my meanness, thought I had a whole
life ahead of me, I'd go on living and so what?
  Now, I was going to die, I had time to think about that
fact and in a matter of hours or days I'd no longer be.
It dawned on me that I wanted to tell her I realized now that
I had time to think, just what kind of dog I'd been. I wanted to 
tell her NOW, because I hadn't wanted to before, out of ego and pride.
Never needed to.  Now, I HAD to tell her before I was gone,and couldn't
let her know anymore, that I was finally crying over what I'd done.
In this last hour I really  was sorry. I knew I had been selfish
to wait this long and that even so I couldn't make things right. 
I didn't care about that now, since I was gonna die anyway, what did 
I have left of pride to hold on to?  I just wanted her to know that 
I still loved her down inside,  as far as possible for me, and
knew that what I did hurt her bad. I wanted her to see I was sorry
for being so mean and stupid. I had to be taught first how hurt 
feels before I could understand what I did to someone else. I told her
I was sorry it took the loss of her love and my life for me 
to be sad over what I had done and added to that, I felt guilty 
that it took took this much to finally cause my last minute change of heart.
I remembered her with so much sweetness and love in her pretty face.
 And I even felt funny writing this letter asking her pardon 
because I couldn't expect her to even read the letter, much less 
forgive me. I just wanted her to know that in the face of death
love becomes so real again.
  Before I could seal the letter to hand it to the guard to mail, 
the door opened. A guard came in and specially handed me an envelope.
 It was a letter. "Strange", I thought, "who would send me a letter
here in my final hours, in solitary? I don't have any family and
no one out there likes me at all." There was no return address on it. 
 I opened the letter, and there inside was a perfumed picture of her
with words written across the front: "I'll always love you, honey. 
don't be afraid, love. I'll keep loving you beyond the grave. I'm sorry 
I can't do more" and she signed her name, probably with a kiss.
   I just fell on my face and wept.