By star69
Date: 30 November 1999

she wore the ugliest dress ever

...i see S and think how much fun we had all the time and i wonder what the hell
is wrong with me _now_ that wasn't wrong before. and then i think that there was
something wrong with him that isn't wrong with anyone else and for that reason 
no one else will ever love me again. i'm doomed to live my life as a depressed
and lonely spinster. every guy in the school last night had the opportunity to
hit on me, to ask me to dance, to at least talk to me. if not when i looked
hot then when?? 

and then i think : i don't need any boys - goddammit i'm independent 
and hey i was fine and stable for 18 years before i ever had a boyfriend, so 
what happened between then and now? but as hard as i try, i know  i'm just
kidding myself, because what it all comes down to is that as much as i
try and convince myself, I"M NOT OVER S and i never will be because he was my 
first, and until someone more perfect comes along to sweep me off my feet 
someday, he will be what i desire. and every time he looks at another woman, 
talks about another woman, is with another woman, i'll think he's comparing me to
her and finding i come up short. and i'm afraid that every time i call him it's 
too often, and he doesn't really want to hang out with me but he pities me and
just doesn't know how to get rid of me gracefully. and so he suffers through it
and rolls his eyes at my emotional irrationality while i'm crying in his arms and
wishes he were somewhere else fucking the cute freshman he saw in the dining hall
the other day. 

7.feb.99