By Leslie
Date: 16 November 1999

A Light at the End of the Tunnel

I'm a fucking whore, I know it, and so does everyone around me.  Not one person understands me.  They pretend like they are trying to see my point of view, but in truth they already have their minds set.  Nothing I say or do is gonna change their stubborn minds.  They say that they forgive me, but how can I believe them when they throw what I have done in my face like a huge pile of shit being smothered all over me, over and over again.  They say,
"it wasn't fair" But is life fair?  It wasn't fair to him, to me and to everyone else.  We are
all losers in this game we call life. 

I'm a fucking whore.  How the fuck am I supposed to make this all work out.  Am I ever going
to see the love that I've waited for, or did I ruin it all with one mistake?  Why do I 
torture myself like this?  I yell at myself and hurt myself and put myself down, but how 
else am I going to deal with all this without that?  Am I just supposed to forget about it
or am I supposed to think about it nonstop like everyone else seems to.

I'm a fucking whore.  Or should I say I was a fucking whore.  I have had the chance to talk
to him But did I...  NO!  Because I want to be a better person.  I have a feeling that this 
relationship could be something, but I'm afraid.  Its like a part of me says "I really want
this to work" but another part of me says "Don't get too attached, you'll only get hurt"
And with all this going thru my head, I'm not sure what I should do.

I was a fucking whore.  But what am I now?  What am I expected to be?  Who should I be?
I want to be me ... but what have a become?  I don't even know myself anymore.  I feel as though
I am alone and there are 10 thousand rapists, murderers and robbers loose and I am in the 
middle being attacked at every angle.  And thru all the pain and all the suffering I am 
still alive, I may be on the edge of dying, but I am still alive.  Still holding on.
What am I holding on to?  What keeps me alive thru all this bullshit?
HOPE