By sinneD
Date: 28 November 1999

seaside memories

twas a summer evening in this same beach, there, a little to the right, Sue and I and some classmates were sharing a bonfire and i gave her this card which says, "I LOVE YOU, if you love me too, keep this card, if not, give it back to me." and i watched her reaction, a little indistinct in the dark of the night and the light of the fire,  as she read it over and over again with my heart pounding in my chest and i almost cried when she set it atop a mound of sand between us. she hesitated...then she took it and said she love me too but if only i had known then that that hesitation is a premonition that someday she will break my heart, she will never be my first broken heart.

see that barrier over there to keep the waves out of that beautiful beachside house? Liz and I sat on that one a great many mornings where the air was at its freshest. one time, with the waves booming below us, i asked her what i can do to win her heart and she said "lose that long hair, dress like a professional, and stay away from your band, they're bad influence." and so i did. if i had known that i will never be comfortable with the life she had hinted, the people she call friends, the music she call the music of the wise, maybe, just maybe, our band might just have made it to the big leagues and i might not have spent a great many mornings alone sitting at the same spot, missing the girl, wishing i could fit into her way of life.

and look at that partly submerge trunk of a coconut tree. its a wonder after all these years, it's still there. i watched a million sunsets together with Rita sitting on it. there i first began to appreciate the beauty of the sun slowly being swallowed by the sea, the sun that seemed to set fire to the sky with crimson flame, so like the fire that burned in me. everyday was a wonder, a new experience, and change. i noticed she's not appreciating it as much as i do anymore and soon, a little too soon, i sat there alone wondering whatever happened to the girl, bravely watching the same sunset although its hurting my eyes more and more. another if-i-had-known.

here i am again, with you this time, walking, talking about everything but love. i would take your hand in mine but you just pull away pretending to try to catch a little crab scurrying off to who knows where. i begin to talk about us, you start a story about your dog, your work, your night out with some of your friends. i start out reminiscing our first time together, you look at your watch and say "a little longer now and i have to go home, busy day tomorrow, you know." so i just clasp my mouth shut, enjoy the time with you, alone. i know this is another premonition, a glimpse of what awaits us tomorrow. but i never did learn my lesson from the times spent on this beach as i desperately try to hold on to another love waiting for the best moment to slip away from me, to fly to another heart with hope that it will finally find its destined home, coz it didnt find it here in me. will you still be here tomorrow? or will i walk this same stretch of beach, wondering whatever happened to you?

please don't be another painful seaside memory.