By *mVr *          <mnemosyne26@hotmail.com>
Date: 20 November 1999

Every Perfect Gift

****as it is written in my favorite Bible verse...
"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh
down from the Father of Lights, with whom there is no variableness
nor shadow of turning."
        ...for a long time I have kept
that verse inside my heart with all the other
starry bits & pieces of brilliance that make me
want to glow serenity and shine pure love even
when I hurt like hell and want to give up...
*I can say I'm not going to step foot inside a
church until my head is perfectly okay and my
morals and priorities are in working order and
running smoothly and I can say No! and Go!
instead of Yes! and Stay! and I can pray to
my Father which Art in Heaven without choking
on the rancid hypocrisy...
I can say I won't go back to church cleverly
disguised in a respectable dress squeaky clean
and virtuous enough to look at the children
and not be blinded by their purity and feel
worthy enough to teach them about Jesus and Peter
and Simon and Paul in Sunday school and give 
them pictures of Baby Moses to color blue and
red and purple and orange and burnt sienna and
chartreuse and magenta and maize and whatever
new colors Crayola has added to the box and I
can say that I won't give my heart away until
I lose five pounds and the big scary bruise
on my left thigh and I have better hair and
a college degree and know how to get from
Point A to Point B without stopping at 3
different convenience stores and asking strangers
for directions...
but the truth is glittering deep inside and it
refuses to hide behind pretense and lies and
cop-outs and excuses...the truth my broken but
not completely heart sings in the shower and
in my truck and in the clear air as I walk down
U.S. Highway 380 is simply this:
I will go inside a small Catholic church
some faraway dawn and it will just be me
in all my fragile wistful glory sitting alone
in a pew staring at the stained glass windows
saying your name like it's a prayer and I will
ask Jesus for Some More and preferably the kind
that lasts and is mutual and faithful and free
and I will tell Jesus I need it and want it
and So Mote it Be...
and I will expect an answer and I will feel
like I deserve one
despite my imperfections
I will keep going
for the
Perfect Gift.