By strawberryjelly  strawberryjelly@yahoo.com
Date: 4 January 1999

Moroccan Roses

Floating in the warm foamy water
That smells like roses from Morocco or some damn thing…
My mind travels the path that I have been walking around
For so long
Fear has kept me off this dark path…
Afraid of what I would find at the end of it…
Afraid that the truth isn't what I really want at all
Because you are what I want
And this path might be the one that finally leads us apart
Funny how the heat and damp air
..smelling like those damn Moroccan roses…
Seem to have the power to unravel…
     unwind…
Those tight reigns that I have kept over my heart and mind
The thoughts of you begin as a tiny trickle…
Slipping in while I scoop up handfuls of the scented water and let it
Cascade slowly over my body…fascinated by the strange 
Paths that the water chooses
Fascinated by the strange path that I have chosen
Sighing I close my eyes and give in…
You win again.   We play by the rules somehow you have made
Without ever saying them
And I think of you
And me
First I am angry…
Then I am ridiculously self-pitying
And then…
Like a knife the truth cuts through it all
You don't need me
That's what tore the first sob from my
Angry, self-pitying chest
The sudden undeniable truth of it
You don't need me…
And I need you so desperately
I guess I've always known it…
Tried not to know it
Tried not to walk down that dark path where the 
         Truth
Waited for me
So here it is…
Staring at me from the end of the dark road
And it has broken me
    Shattered me
The raw bloody truth of the whole thing exposed now
I know you care for me
But if you don't need me then it's only 
A whim…an argument…
The decision that "this isn't fun anymore"
That keeps you here
And I feel reduced to a toy…An amusing little hobby.
Like a soon to be discarded clarinet that a 10 year old
Just HAD to learn to play,
And played for all of a month and a half
My mind wanders over every slight
Things that should have been  bright
     Glaring 
signals, but somehow were glossed over by 
                   Love
And I am ready finally
To do what I should have done all those times
To say what I had to say without worrying that it would 
Drive you away
Because you see,
You were only really half there…