By me
Date: 24 December 1998

and if the truth be known...

Christmas eve.....
I guess that line alone would make me a bitch for using such cutting words.
But some roses have nasty hooky thorns but you already knew that unfortunately
The "bloom" was worth it for me. I loved and love YOU and you and YoU and every other combination of you
And no I am not pissed off at you just me. Me for doing what I did.
Me for being so terrified to lose you. Me for not trusting US.
And I am a COWARD. You speak truth. But now it is my turn. This is my truth.
I don't know how much of life is destined and how much we choose ourselves 
but looking back I see what choices I could have made to make things different
and better. If you want to believe that part of how I loved you was sick and twisted that is up to you
But what was underneath was real.My intentions were always good even if
my actions always weren't.But I am not the only COWARD. You are too
for many reasons.Why didn't I come after you? simple my philosophy of destiny.
I thought you would come back if it was meant to be. But the more time passes
the more I didn't know what to do. My philosophy of destiny and my desire
to run to you were tearing me apart and I remained frozen. Like a coward.
I sought answers BOY did I seek answers. I prayed, meditated,  everything
except listen to myself..but I thought you needed time and how could
I come back when you said I never loved you for you ? I did and do 
but how was I going to convince you of that. I tortured you.I was a horrible
person to the person I love most in this life.That is the truth. I can't change
that. All I can say is that I am sorry.I needed time just as you did.
Time from our constant battles. Battles that could have been avoided
if I was not a bitch. Let me write the last piece of truth here for you to read.

I asked God as a child to let me go through alot with the man I would marry so
that we would love each other eternally. And I meet you and I CREATED (mostly)
this self fulfilling prophecy and I dragged you with me.But in my heart in my soul
I have no questions about us. We may have fought bitterly. We may have said nasty
things to one another.I may be selfish. You might be selfish. We may be
the most mismatched people in the whole world but I love you.not sick
or twistedly but really. I want to go through everything with you. i want to
look up and see your face adn put our child in your arms. You are EVERYTHING
to me. Yes I am selfish and I want you ALL to myself. THIS is my crime
but if loving you is a sin LET ME BURN IN HELL! Because that is never going
to change. 
You wanna run down that beach YOU RUN ! But you better be ready for what happens
when I catch you......