By c. e. palmer (cepalmer@gol.com)
Date: 7 February 1999

I Know That You Know

I Know That You Know


I know that I tell you.
I know you see it in my eyes when you catch me looking at you
     when I think you're not looking.

I know that you know.
Like you know my name.  It's there, unchanging, to be taken out when needed.
     But this thing I know you know, maybe is not what I know...
     Maybe it's just this thing that lives in a memory, stored by two minds to    
     use as a brightly colored screen between us, a chimmery, dreamy barrier 
     that looks oh so real and is oh so hard.

Maybe you don't know.
Maybe you knew what you knew then and I've confused then with now.
     Thinking then goes on and on oand on, rather than then was then and
     Now is Now is Now.  Maybe I've been filling our nows with thens, willing
     to be complacent to escape the terror of invention; that primeval fear of
     giving birth to oneself, of being pressed through that way too small
     passage to explode into an unknown world and be gripped, no strangled,
     by the angst of not finding oneself, not having the familiar to hold onto
     like the solid branch of a tree as you get swept away by a flash flood.

Maybe I've hidden in then to protect myself from that white hot moment
     when the mind is sure it faces death and in its erroneous, self-serving
     battle pierces the heart of Now and gasps its relief as the life-blood
     flows out of Now and from this wetness springs the cardboard construct
     of our lives that the mind is so pleased to live behind.  This sterile room
     this bubble in which there is no dirt, no AIDs, no need to reach inside 
     each other and hold our pumping hearts, moved and shaken by this force of 
     life.

Maybe you don't know.

Maybe you don't know that I listen for your breath at night as we sleep
     and set my heart to the flow of your blood...

Maybe you don't know that I find myself on my knees, felled by the wonder...

Maybe you don't know that I am not worthy of the precious gift of you...

Maybe you don't know that I love you,

     NOW.