By d
Date: 28 February 1999

a million miles away

1.

"its better this way"

things are going backwards again, 
and the stark madness of it all
comforts me, like some twisted

security blanket covering my
bruises

and then
i can taste bile in my mouth
as i am hit in the stomach
with the realization

that this is all very real

stop being so reasonable
and calm
and stop saying you're sorry

it's breaking my heart

i want my way out, damnit,
my solace

you promised me
you swore to me
that i had found it

and then something inside us
snapped like a twig
underfoot

i can feel the bile rising again
and it tastes just like
fear


2.

calm silence
but the violence inside
shakes me to the core

a million miles away,
a child cries

its easier to go on believing
that life isn't fair

but i'd like to think
i'm stronger than that

and then thunder booms
in my head

and i'm not sure anymore


3.

i tell you that i trust you - and i do
but trust can only take you so far

i think i would love you more
if you fell into that girl's arms last night
instead of restraining yourself

"saving yourself" as you would think it

i am not worthy
and i don't know why you are being so blind

i'm clawing my eyes out
and you're telling me i'm beautiful


4.

cold coffee laced with baileys
almost rids my mouth of the taste
of my beautiful lies

something inside me is waiting to be born

inspiration floods over me and i realize
that i am not simply a poet
or an author
or a woman

i am a beast

comfort tumbles from my lips
as i hear your static guilt
oh, love, i can read you like a book

mercy fails me
and i am tempted to tell you
how transparent i feel
and how stability is such a lie

there are things inside me
that no one knows
oh, love, not even you

i call you darling in my mind
but never out loud
maybe that's why i can't tell you now

that i'm always going to be
a million miles away


5.

i have a few questions
that need desperately to be answered

oh, love, you know i can't ask you

everyone around me
can smell my deceit
even when i'm not drowning in lies

time is slipping
through my fingers
like water

i feel exactly like a monster
with each passing breath
pushing everyone and everything
oh so far away

just to keep myself sane

and it's driving me crazy