By Misti Velvet Rainwater
Date: 14 October 1999

Par for the Course

  this is natural, they tell me
  as I lie on a heap on my bed
  half-awake and dreaming
      my heart thudding
   reverberating with feelings
    he created in me
     or awakened
       in me

 there is a world of fear & dread
    and desire and hatred
        and love
  deeper and brighter
    than everything else
  floating
  welling
  bubbling up
  inside me
      lost forever like Atlantis
  I'm the only one who knows this
    I am squishy
      and soggy
  and delirious from diving
   I keep going deeper down
     wanting to keep
      what I've found
    the miracle is rare and I know this
      better than he thinks

  I do not talk small
     my wall is high
   but not impossible
     to scale

  will he try
   I am dying
     as I wonder
       I feel too much

this is natural, they tell me
and normal
and acceptable
and to be
expected