By sarah
Date: 18 October 1999

rambles of an insomniac

i wish the words would just come to me right now
, because i have the ideas framing in my head,
 but for someone reason they just won't come out,
 so i'm going to attempt this wing it whatever, its just
 that sometiems you just feel something so strongly
 and you have no way of truly conveying how it is
 framed in your head, and you dont' feel as if it will 
come across the way you want it to, if only we all had telepathy, then we wouldn't feel such an urge for words at moments, we
 could just share them with one another, i read a book
 about that, where it was called "inseeing" and  you jus
t had to open your mind and the emotions would pour forth, and the thoughts, which was one of those books i couldn't put down because
 it was sheer magic at the thoughts that it evoked in it.  It gave
 me many ideas that i have on love today, or not given, but made
 me think of it in different aspects.  Sort of like the dreams you have
 when you are flying, and you wake up and feel like you can still fly,
 that you just need to find that one opening in your mind, that one
 obstacle in this non dreaming we world of ours, i think that is one
 of our problems, so many of us have stopped dreaming, that we
lose ourselves in our lives and forget about those dreams about thos vivid 
imaginations as children, where everything was a little bit more real
 and a little bit more tinged with light, everyone wore halos' then
.  Whatever did happen to those days.  Those days of light brites
 and of glow worms, i loved light up toys, i wish i still had them, o
r battery operated g.i. joe tankers, wouldn't it be fun if you met the
 man of your dreams playing legos.  I had a point here, its somewhere still
.  OH yeah, for some reason i have it stuck in my mind, that love is not the
 goal here, that so many of us are striving for love, and we want it, i am guilty
 of this as well.  But its not what we should be looking for, and i don't have
 an answer yet, but its slowly forming n my head, as i grow older.  Its somehow
 in the way we all live, and maybe our lives aren't what they should be, or where we would like them, but for some reason the way they are, are just exactly
 as they should be at that moment.  And to deny that loneliness, to deny
 that hate you sometmes have, that bitter edge that can cause those moments of pain you to be that much more acute, are going to help you somehow. 
 I"ve often been told that i am too emotional, but its someth ing i tried to
 control for a while, but i realized, i'm gonna cry, i'm gonna be mad, i'm
 gonna be sad, i'm gonna be extremely happy, i'm gonna be everything, but its this one life im gonnna lead, and if i don't put all i got into it, then i'm
 gnna miss something, and somehow this one chanc ei got at life, is
 gonna pass me by, and this passion is gonna leave me, and i can't
 let that happen.  I can't let this life just be another commercial for 
someone to flip the chanel on, and i'm gonnna love like there is no 
heartbreak, and i'm gonna cry like theres not gonna be rain, cause
 damn crying can feel so fucken good, i'm gnna have sex, i'm gonna
 laugh and i'm just gonna eat it up.  Love comes into your life, when
 it needs to be there, so if your heart is broken, that means it needs to be
 broken for something else to come in, and maybe you will appreciate
 things more. Loving is learning, and life is loving.
 And i'm all outta breath now.