By  Me......
Date: 23 October 1999

Ramblings and Wanderings of thoughts

  I used to frequent this page alot, offering comments and advice and even a story or two.  For some reason though, I stopped coming, because, well, no reason.  Life continued on, and nothing really changed, except my views on Love.  It's because of Love that I first came to this page, back when it was still fairly small and before Kirk got his own server.  
  As this page grew though, I came less and less because I wasn't getting hardly any recognition for my work.  No comments on how good, continue writing, or anything.  The first reason I came to The Loveblender is because of Love, Love for myself.  I saw this page as a chance to 'get my work noticed'.  For the longest time, I thought that my writing was so good and that few things were any better.  I considered myself a True Writer, and I must confess that I did write some good poems, some good stories.  Each one though lacked something, lacked the true essence of love.  The only love that I had ever experienced was the deep fire burning inside of me that was self passion.  So each story, each poem I wrote, I wrote not about 'HER' or 'LOVE', but myself.
  That is why I feel out of touch with this site, I stopped coming.  I wasn't recieving the recognition I "deserved" to get.  I often visited the Blender Board, usually several times a day, to see if I was recieving any comments on my latest piece.  Yet I found Numerouse praises for other writers, TRUE writers.  It was because of this I feel out of touch with the Blender, my Love of myself.
  Since then, I've lived, I've learned, I've Loved.  At first, this love wasn't the type I was used to, and it surprised me because I didn't know what it was.  When I found out WHAT love was, I lost it, lost it within my own conflict between my love for me and my love for her.  I remember her VERY well, she was the first girl that I ever really kissed, I mean TRUELY kissed.  I loved / love her, but can't really tell you how I feel / felt about her.  I know what Love is NOW, TRUE love, but I'm still trying to describe it.
  This girl, my 'FIRST' Love, someone who held my whole heart within her palm, yet she didn't know it.  I was so smitten with her, that when we were together, I was lost.  Each time our hands met, each time our eyes caught each other's, I was simply lost, torn between the deep love for myself and this new type of love.  I know, I love her, and I know how MUCH I love her.  I remember sitting under a tree one night with her.  Me leaning against the tree, and her craddled in my arms.  We were just talking, about what, I don't remember.  We were sitting there talking beneath the tree beneath the moon light.  Beautiful.  Then Magic.  We heard scraping and turned toward the sound.  Descending the tree were two baby raccoons, seeming to dance down the tree bark.  I felt my hands tighten around her, and my breath catch.  Her hands tightened on my arms and I could feel her hold her breath.  We watched, for what seemed like forever, as the raccoons walked around, and even played pic-a-bo with us from behind a near by tree.  
  That night is stuck in my memory, some torture extreeme.  For our first kiss, our last kiss, was when we were getting ready to go our respective ways.  Her life was 200 miles away, mine was here.  I was preparing myself for that moment, that instant when we would say goodbye.  I was stupid.  We parted, with me trying to hide the pain of our parting, trying to hide how much she ment to me, she saw a stone faced golem.  The only moment of humanity she saw in me was when she leaned up and kissed me.  In that one kiss, I knew the mistake I was making, and I knew that I was loosing something that I will regret letting go for as long as I breathe.  
  I learned from that moment, I learned from those grueling, torterouse days, weeks, and monthes afterwards, as we grew further apart.  Each day, each week, each month was pain for both her and me.  I was hurting her and me with my stupidity (ignorance is to good of a word, and I know none better, save coward which I surely was).  She moved on eventually, and she found someone new, someone better.  That hurt me, and purified me by the flames.  For that pain I felt when she told me she found someone new, I saw who I was, and how much I loved her, and what I had lost.
  Time moves on as it always does, and not even my mealencholy could stop the spinning of the earth.  I eventually, well, not healed, but reconciled with myself.  Then I met someone.  Fiery hair, an innocent smile, BEAUTIFUL eyes.  All that though was overshadowed by who she was, she was someone who loved me, and I loved her back.  You all have heard the saying
"To love is nothing,
To be loved is something,
To love and be loved is perfection"
I had that perfection, and each day we stole seconds, minutes, and hours to spend with eachother.  Those were days of bliss, sharing stories, smiles, looks, ourselves.  We sat and talked for hours on end, just learning eachother, exploring our love.  Yet during this whole time, we didn't even hold hands, never hugged, or touched lips.  This lack of physical contact affected me none in the least though, sharing memories and stories and dreams filled me with such glee and happiness that I can't put it into words, and I don't think I want to try.  As with any love story though, a problem existed.  Her parents.  Her parents didn't approve of me, and had several talks with her pleading, rationalizing, and even ordering her not to spend so much time with me or to feel so much for me.  She was the type of girl who followed her parent's wishes no matter what the cost, and my presence called her distress.  Each person has their own conflict, their own struggle to overcome.  Mine was a battle of Love and Love, hers was one of desciding to follow her parents or her heart.  Each time we were together, I could tangibly feel her struggle within.  Yet each time we were together, I could feel her joy in just being with me.  That revier was only broken when her parents called her in to do something.  That was their favorite methode of seperation, keeping her in the house for days at a time.  Despite all this, we started dating.  Just in essence, because we wern't allowed to be together anywhere that was 200 feet from our houses (we were nextdoor neighbors).  I asked her out, and she said yes.  That feeling, that emotion that I felt was so POWERFUL, that those of you out there that have felt it know what I'm talking about, and those of you that havn't will someday.  Time stopped still, that moment hung in time, and the ecstasy was divine.  Then her parents called her in :)  Later that day she came over to return a notebook that I had let her borrow, it was full of my poems, the ones I wrote when I was in love with myself.  We stood outside together for a minute, it was awkward at first, both of us not knowing what to say.  The silence was broken though when she reached out her hand, and I met it with mine.  THen she had to go back in, and our arms streached to reach eachother as she walked away.  That would have been a perfect end for what was about to come, but it didn't end there.  That same day she came over, her sister had found some puppies, little babys blood hounds.  They were cute and we descided to find their owners.  We walked together up and down the street, each of us with a puppy.  When we failed to find their owners, we went to her backyard and let the puppies run free until her parents got home.  Soon the neighborhood children showed up, and they played with the puppies.  The whole time we sat out in that yard, with the younger children of the neighborhood chasing running puppies, we expressed our love without words.  A hug, clasped hands, and constant touch.  It was bliss for both of us.  Then her parents came home, and I had to leave.  The next day we had to break up, her parents order.  That hurt her, it hurt her deeply, but she stuck to her past of her parent's wishes.  She said we couldn't even be close friends, because she would have to break her parent's wishes.  That last part hurt me the most because she was instututiong this seperation.  Pain.  
  So now when we see eachother, which is rare, we share words, empty greetings, empty question, trying to hide what we once held dear about eachother.  Love, the reason for everything, the reason for existance, the reason for life, the reason for change; change within ourselves, our core, our beliefs, our souls.