By MaryBeth
Date: 7 October 1999

A New Look at Love

Preparing to relax after another long day at a new job, I decide to start with a long hot bath. I searched on the shelf for a book to read while I enjoy my stolen few moments of leizure. Im staying at a friends home while looking for a place of my own, so I am in heaven with shelves of new books! I find one that looks interesting, and slowly immerse myself into the tubful of hot and soothing water. I close my eyes for a few minutes as I feel the bound and tense muscles slowly begin to relax. And as the stressed muscles begin to feel a resurgence of blood and oxygen the bands of constriction around my head begin to relase their hold. Though I strive to live in the moment, being flexible, listening to my inner spiritual guide, I still find myself giving in to the pressues of the world at times. Moving to another state, beginning a new job that is new to me and feeling a bit out of my comfort zone. Okay, very far out of my comfort zone. Concern for my children that I have had to leave behind for a few weeks and also those that are with their dad that I haven't been able to see for several months, due to all the rapid changes. Striving to maintain and nourish a long-distance relationship, missing my old friends while being open to making new ones. 

So, I settle into this tub of magic waters to revive myself, to infuse some healing energy. After a few minutes of quiet, I reach for the book that I have chosen. A book of calming words and great imagery of San Franciso bay. I've even been to many of the places he spoke of so I could also feel the spray of ocean on my face and hear the calls of the sea gulls that he spoke of. Then he shared this thought: 

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        Love changes the essence of our lives. It brings a stillness to the center. And with time this inevitably flows into all that we do. In this way, that which we have received becomes a source of peace to all those who touch our world. 
                                                                Robert Sexton 

Flashes of light and sounds of angels singing and great pictures of people in love shouted at this relaxed soul. Another band of protection around my protected heart just loosened. Maybe this is another way to measure love?
 
I have so many things to do, but I couldn't let the things of my run-away world to stop me from writing the ideas flashing across my now-alive brain. So I stretch out on my bed, pen and paper ready.. 

As infants, hopefully, we experienced the unselfish love of our parents and families. Then we enter the confines of the "real world" and our view and perception of love begins to dramatically change. We no longer are worthy of love because we "are" but now we have to earn it, so to speak. Love begins to become something we have to protect ourselves from, questioning the motives of the person who offers us their undying love. Long ago running from the notion of love at first sight, or love offered freely with no strings attached. No longer trusting that any such thing like that could we be worthy of. Too many scars on a trampled, war-torn heart. 

There was a time that I called it love because he needed me, relied on me for advice or because he valued my opinions. But too soon I found this love bacame weary, burdensome, confining, with no room for growth or expansion. What I originally thought was respect I began to see was possession. The small box with which he tried to contain me became suffocating, threating to cut off life-giving light. 
I since have learned that this experience isn't singular to me, nor is it just a certain gender that is capable of this type of possession. I've learned that this type of need to possess or own someone comes from fear, not from love. I've heard so many negative responses to someones great news of impending engagment, committment or marriage. All coming from the experience of fear to what could possibly be seen as a joyous occasion of the joining of two spirits that have chosen to share a life of love. 

I would like to say at this time that though many times love is in reference to a man and a woman in a romantic atmosphere there are many ways and situations where love is a beautiful connection between friends, parents and children and brothers and sisters. My life has been fully blessed with such relationships to which I am so thankful for. And I gratefully acknowledge that I wouldn't have experienced the growth of heart or be where I am in my life without these wonderful people that have supported me, listeneed to me and encouraged me when I didn't think I could take another step. 

Recently I have had the life-altering beautiful experience of having a love such as Robert Sexton has referred to, with a wonderful man. Grounding, a place to be centered from, knowing that after a long day or after a disagreement, that he is still there, a sounding board, someone with unwavering belief in me and my abilities. Not once have I worried that my life as I know it is coming to a halt or my freedom is being taken away. In actuality it is only increasing and growing rapidly. Through the grounding of strong roots can I begin to reach towards the stars, moon and sky. Ever growing, blossoming and doing things I never believed possible. 

My new employer is always asking me, "Why do you smile at me all the time?" To be honest, I didn't know I was!! I once replied, " I like it much better than the alternative!" I have worked hard to be happy and I consider my efforts to be successful when amidst a sea of change, not always having the answers to what next or when or why, that "what I receive becomes a source of peace to all those who touch my world".