By Dorothy
Date: 28 October 1999

So Many Thoughts.

I am feeling- confused?
My reality seems to spiral out of control.  
Fear spun from fear & I live in constant
  Paranoia.
Look at the door,
Peek around the corner,
At the door,
Bend over the dryer,
Peek under my arm at
The door. Memories
Of a wire hanger;
Not remembering but remembering the marks down my legs.
Seeing the hanger on the floor,
Blood sprayed sheets and pillowcase.

Present-day daydreams toss me
To the futile dogs
& I end up with a knife in my back
Or beaten with a bat.
So, I lock my door.  
The time on the clock 
ticks the day away.
I do my chores and think.
And think.

All my present-day anxities
Seem to aggravate 
My past abnormalities of my life.
Huge gaping holes fill my spaced memory & I think.
I wonder if it was a blackout
Or my mind attempting to
Conceal the truth.
Am I covering for my denial?
I'd escape to a pill if
It was a choice.
A safe feeling to hide
From the beasts of the world.

From the dark recesses of my mind
The ugly unfolds and I feel it.
Emotional turmoil fucks with my brain
And serenity seems at least an eternity away.

And pretty pictures decorate my fingernails.
And bright colors put
The thoughts on paper.
So many thoughts...
Depression pulls the shade 
Over my smiles & the happiness in my mind.
Tears are tearing up my inside,
A tidal wave waiting to rip away
The shores of my mind.