By mEg
Date: 12 October 1999

rich

I'm sitting here on this Tuesday night…. in the fifth 
outfit I've tried on for my trip to Atlanta tomorrow.  
I've checked the weather.  Even the five day forecast 
and I still don't know what to wear.

Do you know how unusual that is?  I always 
known what to wear.

And I'm looking around this apartment that I have 
made my own…. A mess, but my mess… and pictures everywhere. 
Some are of a tanned smiling redhead…some of a woman with 
paler skin in winter clothes….. but she is always smiling.

Right now, I don't feel like smiling.  I don't 
feel like packing.  I don't feel like doing anything 
other than feeling this lonely knot in my stomach.
This is the first time in almost two years that I 
have been totally alone, watching the tick of a clock 
and knowing that I can watch it all I want and he's 
not calling.  He's not calling. 

And that I am the one who finally sent him away.  

I'm learning it's ok to feel.  The height of heights… 
the lowest lows…. For so many years, I thought I 
had to rise above the weaknesses called anger, pride, 
sadness.

Now I realize I have to ride the tide of these 
emotions and I will grow from them.  Through living life
and not being scared to seize it, I risk. I have always given,
unafraid of the risk.  Now the price is too high, but I 
have to keep GIVING. Sometimes I will lose.  Sometimes I will win.

Let me rephrase that.  Sometimes I will be loved.  
Sometimes I will be the one that loves - - without love in return.

It's ok.  He's not calling again and I realize that 
all this time, all these months, I've known that no 
matter what he would call.  The same thing that 
compelled him to play this game was the same thing 
that fueled me. He would call.  I would hear his voice. 
His voice that I can close my eyes and hear right now.  

I'd be lying to say I never wanted to hear it again. 

The first time I ever really saw his face - I couldn't 
breathe. It was like seeing what you never knew you 
always wanted.  Hard to hide that emotion inside you when
it is so powerful.  In Atlanta, when we both thought I
was going to be there - I do believe that we knew what was
going on between us was powerful and  somehow destined.  
I'm not romanticizing it, and if I do, I'm allowed, but I
sincerely look at this all as destiny. 

Meeting him, loving him... and leaving him.

But time and distance and circumstances…. 
And even desires change.  My desires have changed - 
I need to be loved like I can love.  I need that 
so much and wonder if I will ever find it.  How 
many times will I feel this lonely knot that 
just tears me in two….

So lonely - yet I feel so free.  So sad - yet I am hopeful
deep down where I can barely feel it.  I know that
the hopeful, happy side of my nature will rise.  Maybe
in a few minutes, an hour, maybe on the plane to Atlanta.

Atlanta was what I used to think was my secret destiny. 
It was new and I thought I could be new there. I  loved
the feel and the sounds and the sights.  I loved being loved
in Atlanta.  And now I will see that city through another
set of eyes.  The eyes that are crying now, well, they will
probably find some quiet time to cry there too. I wonder how 
Atlanta will look through lonelier green eyes?  

But the truth is, I'd rather cry here in Raleigh….. than be
alone and crying in Atlanta.  This is my time to say goodbye
to Patrick.  Goodbye to Atlanta. 

And maybe through all of this, I see myself for the first time.

I will be able to see the city through my eyes.  I will have
my own experience - - and at night when all is quiet
and the bubble bath has long come and gone, I will reach out
my hand to another hotel pillow and think of a time
when I would have shared that with him.  Maybe I will
cry, maybe I will find the strength to smile - and laugh 
at those memories I will always hold dear.

To see the snapshot of those nights in my mind and move on. 
I'm moving on.

I've been so blessed, Rich.  Without knowing, without 
being aware all of my life I have been blessed and 
showered with such love.  

And all this time, without conscious thought, I've been 
showering that love on everyone around me.  Eventually
it will come back to me, I know.  I believe in love
 - love is my gift.  

I am crying right now, so hard.  And I know I'll be ok…
I need this time to think about what I thought I had
and what I really lost.

And somewhere in between the reality and the dream…. 
Rich, it was so beautiful once, I couldn't breathe.
 
One day, there was this one day, when my breath caught
in my throat and then I made love with that man.  
I made love - I paid homage to him with my body.  
Deserving or not…. That is what I did, and I can have no regrets.  
I gave myself so freely.

So freely I give myself sometimes… is that why right
now I'm so lonely…? 

Yet at the same time, I am still so full of love.

I love you, Rich.  I love life. Perhaps I'm learning
to love myself.  Can that be what this lonely knot in
 my stomach is showing me?  Is that what my time with 
Patrick was supposed to show me?

How to love me.  

meg

Looking up at the stars I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell
But on earth indifference is the least
we have to fear from man or beast

How should we like it were stars to burn
with a passion for us we could not return
If equal affection cannot be
let the more loving one be me

admirer as I think I am
of stars that do not give a damn
i cannot, now i see them say
i missed one terribly all day

were all the stars to disappear or die
i should learn to look upon an empty sky
and feel its total dark sublime
though this might take me a little time.

auden