By me
Date: 3 October 1999

pretending

I pretend that you are all of the anonymous writers on all of the poetry
sections on the internet.
I pretend that each word of love written to someone else is mine.
I pretend so many things.
looking in the mirror I see myself.
the me without you.
the me that has lost all hope.
the me with circles under my eyes.
the me that can't sleep.
the me that tortures myself with all the sad love songs I an get my hands on.
but then when i look again i see another me.
the one that pretends everyday that everything will be ok.
the one that smiles and has a twinkle in my eye.
the one that believes she will get over you.
that she will be able to love again.
that she is happy.
she is taking her cue from you-
living her life buried under her work. 
keeping herself busy.
smiling at people's jokes as she masks her unbearable pain.
But she has grown tired of pretending. 
pretending that everything is ok.
pretending that you didn't leave.
you can keep pretending.
consume yourself in your computer programming.
consume yourself in your music.
consume yourself with my temporary replacement.
Pretend-pretend that it doesn't hurt anymore.
pretend that you didn't get a tattoo after we broke up just so you could wish me a hppy 
birthday.
pretend that you are over me.
spend your life pretending.
I just can't do it anymore.
I can't.